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Monday, April 13, 2009

The Greatest Champion of the World

Insert cartridge... Press Start... Pull out cartridge... Blow forcefully on the bottom of said cartridge... Insert cartridge... Press Start while holding down Reset... You now see your television screen blinking... Once again, pull out the cartridge and blow forcefully on the bottom... Insert cartridge once more and Press Start while continually mashing Reset with force that only an age old NES system can muster.

DING • DING • DING


You've now successfully entered the world of the Greatest Heavyweight Champion of the World.

• Mike Tyson •

Iron Mike, or as he is most commonly known, Malik Abdul Aziz, was my age (20) when he became the Undisputed Heavweight Champion of the World. He won 19 out of his first 20 bouts by way of knockout. 12 of those were in the first round. He beat men such as:



Glass Joe







Von Kaiser






Piston "I Can't Control My Brows" Honda







Bald Bull






Most of his credit goes to his trainer for making him chase a bike around New York City in a pink sweatsuit during his career. Mario was also his ref.

In reality, life wasn't always so pretty for Iron Mike. In 1992 he was charged and convicted with Rape. He served 3 years out of his 6 year sentence for this inability to control his libido. Then he bought a tiger.

After climbing back into the ring and obtaining a title fight with Evander Holyfield, Tyson appeared to be back. He lost in the eleventh round. :( take it easy Dawson.

After suckering Holyfield into a rematch, Mike began to see the stars align in a "Starry Starry Night". Then he went Van Gogh on Holyfield... Who wouldn't? It looked fun.

Even as Tyson was seen as an ogre who has a fetish for a big black man's ear, he still managed to clobber a man's face. In 2000, Tyson fought three fights. All three fights combined, lasted 7 rounds. The latter fight was changed to No Contest because Mike "Phelps up" some weed. Classy... It appeared that Iron Mike was back in shape and better than ever. Then he met Lennox Lewis's uppercut in the 8th round of the WBC bout.

"I want your heart, I want to eat his children." Mike Tyson said about Lennox Lewis

In 2003 he decided to take time off training to spider his eye. This was the final blow to Iron Mike. He lost 4 out of his last 5 fights and squandered over $300 Million Dollars while having to file for bankruptcy.

No matter what you do Mike, I will forever enjoy the days where I sat in my grandparents' playroom and tried to dodge your boxers' relentless uppercuts. Little Mac and I will never forget what you gave us.

• • •

P.S. You're questioning me aren't you! You're snapping your head "scuse?" I wouldn't send you down memory lane for no reason would I?

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2 comments:

A. Huff said...

i won close to 30 dollars on picking Lennox in 8 rounds. we watched it at my friend's house in 8th grade. it was awesome.

wopata said...

My high school basketball team had 2 plays called "Glass Joe" and "Von Kaiser". We thought they were both weird ass names, especially "Von Kaiser". One day we asked our coach if we could change "Von Kaiser" to "VK" because no one knew what the hell "Von Kasier" was or how to even say it and coach promptly said no.

It all makes sense now...

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