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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Nike Confiscates Eastern Conference Finals Tape

...of only the good stuff.

Citing abuse of the "LeBron James Video Rights - Don't Eff Around" doctrine, sources close to Nike have confirmed that the mega-corporation has confiscated all video coverage of the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals. The series was considered a disappointment for James' Team - a 4-2 series loss to the Orlando Magic that culminated with James storming off the court without shaking the hands of the victorious Magic.

This ruling comes on the heels of a similar ruling earlier this week, in which two tapes of Xavier Sophomore Jordan Crawford dunking on James were confiscated due to the retro-actively created "No Video Rights Granted to Instigating Punks" doctrine.

"Unfortunately, Turner Sports' (TNT) video coverage of the series wasn't in keeping with the agreement we made," a Nike propogandasmen said. "The affidavit expressly stated that: 'Any footage that portrays our man [James] as a loser, punk, dunking dummy, or as any other defecating nickname is strictly prohibited. We are all witnesses.' "

The Magic, whom advanced to the NBA Finals following the alleged series, eventually fell at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers in 5 games.

"I'm actually OK with the video being confiscated," former Magic and now Toronto Raptor Forward Hedo Turkoglu said. "That's just six fewer game tapes that the Raptors can use as evidence that I'm actually not that good. It's also 6 fewer opportunities for my shovel-face to be seen on television."

James was not available for comment following the confiscation, but did release the following statement through his attorney: "LeBron is a winner. Plain and simple. Show me the footage that says otherwise, suckers."

As of press time, Nike was in the process of editing every missed field goal attempt James has attempted throughout his 6-year career, and attempting to blow up my laptop.

Luckily, we here at Korked Bats were able to scrounge up this embarrassing clip of Lebron James... but don't tell Nike.



Photo courtesy: flickr

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