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Friday, July 31, 2009

Who Shares Our Birthday?

We know what you're wondering...

"Wait a minute, isn't it someone else's birthday too?"

Yes. It is.

Here are the lucky few who share their July 31st birthday with Korked Bats:


Tim Couch
Our very own Frank Ford's favorite athlete of all time. Tim is arguably the greatest quarterback from the University of Kentucky all time. However, his stint in the pros was about as short as Dean Cain's time in the Hollywood spotlight. We just wish we could share his wife instead of share his birthday.


Dean Cain
Oh gosh. Wouldn't you know it, right after we make fun of the guy, he ends up on our list. But (Ripley's) believe it or not, he too has a July 31st birthday. Forget Shaq, Dwight Howard, Christopher Reeves, and that kid from Smallville... Dean Cain was the best Superman!


Wesley Snipes
Gee, the amount of A list celebrities that share their birthday with us just keeps getting bigger. First Dean Cain and now Wesley Snipes?! Gah, how lucky are we?! Although, we do enjoy the movie The Fan a lot.


William Quantrill
Anyone outside the states of Missouri and Kansas probably aren't too aware of Mr. Quantrill. However, he is probably the main guy behind one of the most hatred filled rivalries in college sports. This rivalry dates back to the Civil War when both Kansas and Missouri would attack each other's towns and things would get pretty ugly. Long story short, William Quantrill took his Missouri "Tigers" into Lawrence, Kansas and burned the city to the ground. As a Mizzou guy, I must wish Quantrill a very happy birthday!


Mark Cuban
Wait... You mean Joaquin Pheonix?


Gus Frerotte
Save the best for last! Gus is currently a free agent. And we want to know why?! Any NFL team that is looking to win Super Bowl XLIV, you better pick him up!



Korked Bats' 1st Birthday


It was one year ago today that recently retired KB author, Zach Osborne, and I decided to collaborate together and start a fun little sports blog. We both loved making people laugh and we both loved sports so we figured why not mix them together?

It's kind of like the movie Twins.

Everybody loves Arnold Schwarzenegger. Everybody loves Danny DeVito. Why not put them together in the same movie?!

That's what Zach and I did (or at least tried to do) in making people laugh while delivering them sports news/topics.

Little did we know that our little idea would grow so much in one year. We grew from just 2 guys to as many as 6 guys at one point with the possibility of adding more authors in our near future. In 2008, we put out a total of 23 posts. We have averaged 28 posts a month for the past 6 months. We have started a Facebook page, a Twitter page, and recently we have ventured off into the YouTube network. If you haven't checked us out on any of those sites, you should. Everyone else is doing it! And peer pressure is fun!

Over this past year, we have literally had thousands of hits from all over the world. Some people love us, some people hate us. We hope for more of the first.

It's been a fun year and hopefully this next one will only be better!

Not to mention we are so thankful that Tony Romo didn't break up with us the day before our birthday in the parking lot of an IHOP.

We want to thank all of you who have shared Korked Bats with someone and helped spread the word. We can't grow without your help. If you have any suggestions, ideas, or anyway to help make Korked Bats better and bigger, please don't hesitate to contact us, whether you know us or not.

Once again, thank you for reading and we hope you continue to do so in year 2!


Favre Friday Fun

• It's Friday! Let's have some fun! •

Brett Favre retired. Finally.

So for today's Friday Fun, we wanted to give you the greatest Brett Favre highlights of his career.




Thursday, July 30, 2009

Korked Bats Look Alikes - Doogie Frank

New Jersey Nets Head Coach Lawrence Frank and Doogie Howser M.D.


Does anyone else see it?!



Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Final Destination, #4

There is a new movie coming out next month, called The Final Destination.


It's all about Brett Favre's 2008 season with the New York Jets.

ZING!

What we hoped was the end in February, obviously wasn't... Until now.

Brett called Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress today to tell him that he will not be coming out of retirement to play a 19th season. Gah, this saga has been more annoying than the spelling of his last name! (For the love of Pete, just spell it FARVE! Quit trying to be cute!)

There has been as much media behind Brett Favre's decision as there was with O.J.'s jury decision in 1994. Only Brett doesn't have a Heisman... And he didn't kill his wife.

But seriously, this saga is much like the Final Destination series. If they make another movie with the same plot of the most outrageous deaths mankind has ever imagined, I think I'm going to accidentally hang myself in the shower, drive my car directly into a log, lock myself in a tanning bed, or be sure to use the escalator that is having technical difficulties. And if Brett Favre comes out of retirement and keeps all of ESPN and every other sports news outlet hostage AGAIN, I think I'm never going to buy a pair of Wrangler Jeans AGAIN, or never shop at Sears AGAIN... Then again, who shops at Sears anyway?

My point is...

Doesn't FINAL Destination mean final?
and
Doesn't RETIRED mean retired?

(Take note, Zach Osborne.)

Brett called Vikings Coach Brad Childress reporting that he is staying retired to party with his hip friends and his Wrangler light washed jorts!

It's about time Brett Favre retired. I loved the guy and loved to watch him play. He threw so hard, you would think he was belimic. But let's be honest, when Brett Favre first started playing, there were still real Vikings. He has come back and retired so many times, I can barely count it on two fingers! Just stop already Brett! Go mow your lawn or something? Maybe play some video games. But for the love of all that is Lambeau, please do not even hint at coming back to the NFL. Just play some touch football in your jeans.

This probably isn't goodbye... Just see ya later.

KB Photo Kaptions

Last Week's Winners:

Sturg - "San Diego Porta-Padres"

Sturg - "Duh-nuh-nuh, duh-nuh-nuh"

Rob Queener - "If I see another illegal alien in our stands I'll poop on the field. Oh, there it goes."

Rob Queener - "Look mom, I'm doing my best Moises Alou impression!"

David - "No, no, no... We said SIT dog!"


• • •


This week's KB Photo Kaption is...

Comment below with a funny caption for this photo. It takes less than a minute.

The funniest caption(s) will be posted on the next KB Photo Kaptions post.




If you find or have a funny picture that you think should be on the next KB Photo Kaptions, e-mail it to us: korkedbats@gmail.com


Sunday, July 26, 2009

Random Athlete of the Month - July

The random athlete of the month for July is:

Gheorghe Mureşon

God love him. Just when you thought this past week couldn't get any more historic (there was a moon landing 40 years ago...big whoop) Korked Bats is proud to announce the recipient of July's Random Athlete of the Month is fittingly the only man who has to duck at night to avoid bumping his head on the moon, Gheorghe Mureşan.

Gah, I don't even know what to say. Words can't do this Romanian basketball hero justice. After a quick Google Image search on the guy I was confident I was looking at the subject of an Animal Planet documentary, not a retired NBA player. See for yourself:

Nothing can convince me this isn't child abuse. And at a Barnes and Noble?


I'm scared of him. Period.


Who doesn't belong here?


Pretty sure I still have this issue laying around somewhere.


Ok, that's enough. Looking at pictures of this thing confuses my brain. I don't know whether to laugh, feel sorry for "it", or scream because it is the single scariest thing I've ever looked at in my entire life.

Anyway, here's a little info on Mr. Mureşan's NBA career. With the 30th pick of the 1993 Draft, the Washington Bullets (except we call them the Wizards now because the Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin was assassinated......excuse me, what?!) selected our big man straight out of the French league, who instantly became tied with Manute Bol (please click that link) as the tallest player to ever play in the NBA. He played 2 comical seasons then decided to head back to France and play where his skill set fit in a little better. But then he came back to AMUURICA! And wouldn't you know it, he won the 95-96 NBA Most Improved Player Award. Upon retirement in 2000, his career stats looked as follows:

9.8 ppg
6.4 rpg
0.5 apg
1.48 bpg
.573 fg%

I'm sorry, but had I been given that height, my career numbers would look as follows:

40 ppg
20 rpg
0 apg
10 bpg
1.000 fg%

But that's neither here nor there. I find it odd that Yao Ming is the toughest freakishly tall athlete we've ever seen. What's the deal? I feel like if it was my job to be an athlete I would work as hard as I could to at least not be embarrassingly uncoordinated. I mean, look at this:


(This is still my favorite Sportscenter commercial ever)

Now, I've been pretty hard on the poor fella so far so I feel it's only fair to highlight some of his positive attributes and moments as well. I mean, every now and then he did something remotely well. Here's his best LeBron impression...



Lastly, It would be a devastating sports sin (yes, those exist) if I didn't mention the single best thing Gheorghe Mureşan gave to the world. The lead role in the film, "My Giant". If you've been living under a rock your whole life and haven't seen it yet, good, you're just like me. But after watching this trailer it will most definitely be my next movie purchase:




So there you have it. July's Random Athlete of the Month. I'd write more but I just noticed FernGully is available ON Demand currently (Encore channel if you have it) so I've obviously got better things to do.


Do you have a random athlete idea that you think should be next month's Random Athlete of the Month? Leave a comment below and see if your random athlete will be next month's Korked Bats' Random Athlete of the Month!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

The Real Vick-tim

As many of you have already heard... (And if you haven't, where the heck have you been?!)

But Michael Vick met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell this past week. After serving his sentence both in federal prison and under house arrest, Vick is fighting to become reinstated into the NFL. He can't do that without the nod from Mr. Goodell.

Many of you are wondering how the meeting went and what exactly Goodell is thinking about Vick's future.

Well, we here at Korked Bats can't tell you exactly what the commish is thinking, but we can tell you word for word how the meeting went. You can thank us later.


The Meeting Between Mike Vick and Roger Goodell


Goodell: Hello there Michael, come on in and have a seat.

Vick: Thank you, sir.

Goodell: Now before we get started, I must tell you that there is no Tweeting allowed during this meeting.

Vick: Tweeting?

Goodell: Yeah, you know. Twittering.

Vick: What is Twittering?

Goodell: Oh yeah, that's right. It got big while you were... (Awkward pause) Well... (whispers) locked up.

Vick: Excuse me?

Goodell: You know, being made someone's boyfriend.

Vick: Is this all a joke to you?

Goodell: HEY! Dog Fighting is NOT A JOKE! ...Except for when Snoopy and Deputy Dog fought.

Vick: They're not even in the same cartoon.

Goodell: I know, I saw it on Celebrity Death Match one time. It was really funny. Snoopy got help from Woodstock and...

Vick: Can we move on?

Goodell: I know... Quit getting off subject. The reason your here is because you want to be reinstated into the NFL. Correct?

Vick: Yes sir.

Goodell: Well, Michael, I just don't see that happening.

Vick: What?! Why?! You reinstated Pacman and he banged a stripper's head onto the stage.

Goodell: Hey! Hey! Hey! Listen, Lassie! He GENTLY placed her head on the stage. He didn't bang it. I mean, what would you Scooby Doo?

Vick: So you're NOT going to let me play?!

Goodell: What you did was sick! You killed innocent dogs. What did you think? That 'All Dogs Go To Heaven'? I mean, I would be irate if you did that to 'My Dog Skip'! You think that you should be put right back into the league at your first whiff of fresh 'Air, Bud'? And still, even if I do let you back in, you think a team is going to pick you up, 'Balto'? Maybe it would be best if you just spent this season 'Homeward Bound'.

Vick: Why are you making all of these dog movie references?

Goodell: 'Look Who's Talking Now'! I just want you to realize that you're not in Kansas anymore, Toto!

Vick: Can you stop please?! That is in my past, I am trying to forget about that and move on with my life!

Goodell: Sorry. I will stop. I didn't know it offended you so much...

Vick: Thank you!

Goodell: ...Clifford.

Vick: Ok, that's it. I'm out of here. Call me when you're ready to actually talk this out.

Goodell: Hey! Sit! ...Staaay!

Vick: Are we actually going to talk about letting me play again?

Goodell: Yes. We can. Listen, I have thought about this long and hard. That's what she said.

Vick: That didn't even really make much sense...

Goodell: And I have come to the conclusion to let you back in the league this season. I mean you are an electrifying player on (under breath) and off, the field.

Vick: (Sigh.)

Goodell: But yeah, I'm going to let you back in the league.

Vick: Seriously?

Goodell: Of course! What'd you think, that I was doggin' you?!

Vick: You are so insensitive!

Goodell: Whoa, come on now. Just trying to have some fun. Don't get your panties in a wad, Felix.

Vick: Felix was a cat.

Goodell: I know, I said Benji.

Vick: Do you ever quit?

Goodell: I can't. You can't EVER quit! It's a dog eat dog world out there. It used to be a Michael Vick makes dog eat another dog world out there.

Vick: I'm leaving.

Goodell: Alright... Good talk. But hey, wait. Before you leave, pound it!

This is the Ol' Ball Coach

If your house was burning down, who would you call? If your cat was stuck in a tree, who would you call? If the world mysteriously had a tornadic, dust monster trying to destroy it, who would it call? When there is something strange in your neighborhood, who would you call?


That's him. Tim Tebow. You would call him for anything you could ever need in your life... Except for the cat in the tree, because I hate cats, and the sporadic reference to Fantastic Four : Rise of the Silver Surfer.

But who wouldn't call Tim Tebow if, per say, your Coaches' Ballot needed to be filled out?


That's him. Steve Spurrier. You wouldn't call him unless something was really stinky or you needed a good grade on your final paper.

So what's wrong with the Ol' Ball Coach voting for Jevan Snead over Tim Tebow in the Pre-Season All SEC team? I mean even Lex Luther voted for Superman. Carl Winslow voted for Urkel. Cal Hockely voted for Jack Dawson. McCain voted for Obama. Kane voted for The Undertaker. And Manny Ramirez voted for... Well, himself. (Just Manny votin Manny!)

The press has material to convince them that Spurrier pawned his poll off on a colleague. Apparently that colleague hasn't turned on a game of college football, hasn't watched an hour of Sportscenter, hasn't opened a newspaper, or hasn't even been alive. Not to discount Jevan Snead, but honestly? Just because Robin got to ride the motorcycle doesn't mean he got the vote over Batman. I mean Batman wins that vote strictly based on the costume director putting nipples in his suit. Steve was obviously in the wrong (although I support his neglect), giving his colleague the poll (if that is actually what he did.)

According to the news as of 12:57 AM, Steve Spurrier calls the vote an 'Oversight.' That doesn't even sound good.


Friday, July 24, 2009

More Friday Fun

• It's Friday! Let's have some MORE fun! •

This is just too random NOT to put up on this site.

Ok, think of the three most random celebrities you can. We need one B-list movie actor, an aging basketball player, and a fast food company mascot.

You got 'em?

If you said Gary Busey, Austin Croshere, and that king from Burger King, you would be wrong.

Korked Bats presents to you (courtesy of "The Leader") a video of what David Arquette, Derek Fisher and Ronald McDonald do in their spare time.




Friday Fun

• It's Friday! Let's have some fun! •

Maybe this post would have been better suited on Wednesday for "hump day".

You gotta love UFC. What the heck?!


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Korked Bats Archives - Phor All Phelps Phans

We continue today with another Korked Bats Archive. This post comes from August 16th, 2008. At this point in time, the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing were going on. Michael Phelps had just won his 7th gold medal and was going for his 8th on the next night. It was an exciting time in American and International sports.

So of course, we wrote something about it.

So in honor of our first birthday coming up at the end of this month, we bring you one of our favorite posts: "Phor All Phelps Phans". Enjoy!

• • •

This just in...

(For those who were just born yesterday or for those who have been living in a cave for the past few years)

...but,
Michael Phelps is AMAZING!


Tonight Michael Phelps won his 7th Gold Medal in as many races. Which, I guess isn't too hard to do if you think about it. I mean, it HAS already been done before.

However...

Tonight was probably one of Phelps' most exciting and nerve racking races. For those who didn't get a chance to see it, Michael Phelps won the 100 meter Butterfly by one one hundreth of a second.

That's right, 1/100th of a second.

Thats 0.01 seconds.

That's like (and say this real fast): From now to now.

Not even that, it's like: N to Now, NaNow, NNow!

You take longer than one one hundreth of a second to blink.

And that's what Serbia's Milorad Cavic lost by.


Think about it... You train everyday of the year for four years straight to win an Olympic Gold Medal and you lose by a nose. Not a Pinnochio nose but this kind of nose. How will Cavic sleep at night? Knowing that he could have wiggled his toes and it would have given him enough burst to be a hundreth of a second faster. If any friends or family members of Cavic are reading this, please have him visit this website immediately.

But anyway, enough about the loser.

We here at Corker Bats want to celebrate the winner. The sep-winner, Mr. Phelps.


The guy is amazing, incredible, invincible. He is indescribable. Even though I just did.

Is he even human? Because I would not be surprised if I saw Elijah Wood on the side of the pool getting him to swim faster.

Although, you could call Michael Phelps a movie star also. I mean he did have a few small cameos in the television show's 2006 remake movie, Miami Vice. Don't remember him in the film? He played the boats.

I also would not be surprised if he showed up late to a race because he was finishing up a meeting at The Hall of Justice with the rest of the Justice League.

Side Note:
I have always wondered what Aquaman's superpower was other than swimming fast, and now I know...
He defeats Chinese and wins gold medals.


A few other tidbits about the legend:
  • The man eats almost as much in a day as Mark Mangino and yet still he maintains 4% body fat.
  • He is the new front runner for the 2008 Election.
  • As most humans get pruny by being in the water for too long, he gets pruny for being out of water for too long.
  • His roommates are Snorks.
  • He breathes water and pisses chlorine.

I almost feel like the US is cheating for having him on our side. But it's great isn't it? Michael Phelps has become such a BIG deal all over the world!

To reference that for you:

Asian Comparison - Michael Phelps is bigger than Godzilla!

American Comparison - Michael Phelps is bigger than Brett Favre!



Tonight he attempts to be the only Olympian in Olympic history to walk away with 8 gold medals. By now, he is just collecting medals like Brangelina collects kids. His final race is going to be amazing. The whole world will be watching. There is so much riding on this race.

But not to worry. There is no way he will lose! The odds of Phelps losing this race are the same as the Patriots losing to the Giants in the Super Bowl...

Wait...

Oh jeeze.



Anyway, best of luck to Michael Phelps in his pursuit of breaking records and making history.

Tonight's race is going to be
PHREAKIN' PHUN!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Footage Nike Didn't Want You To See

Dear Nike,

SUCK IT!


We have footage of LeBron James being dunked on that hasn't been confiscated by Nike! TMZ and ebaumsnation.com have each purchased the rights to separate videos and has them on their respective sites. This probably wouldn't be as big of a deal had Nike not have made a huge deal about confiscating all (well, almost all) of the footage.


Here is the video from ebaumnation.com from the reverse angle. It is a little better than the TMZ version:



The video isn't much. It sounds a lot better than it actually is. Kind of like Jimmy Fallon on late night television. The only thing that makes it good is that LeBron James wouldn't own up to it and not let word out about it. Well, he was as good at that as he was stepping up and blocking Crawford's lane to the hoop to slam it home. With that being said, still take a look at it.



Soccer Might Be Gay

Decide for yourself...

(His "trainer" giving Bonera a "better view")


AC Milan player Daniele Bonera and his "trainer" in a hot tub following their game against the LA Galaxy this past Sunday.

Feel free to leave your own rendition or captions of what is going on in these pictures.


Korked Bats Look Alikes - E.T. Cassell

Former Boston Celtics' Guard Sam Cassell and E.T.


Does anyone else see it?!



Tuesday, July 21, 2009

KB Photo Kaptions

Comment below with a funny caption for this photo.


The funniest caption(s) will be posted on the next KB Photo Kaptions post.



Monday, July 20, 2009

Happy Arm'iversary!

A couple of days ago, I received the following text from Austin Huff:*


"Hey you gorgeous, talented man, you. If your pretty little head can find some time in the next few days, would you mind writing a blog post about the 40-year anniversary of the lunar landing? Try to relate it to sports if you can. You're so clever and talented, I feel so secure putting this post idea in your muscular arms. Thanks."

*I accidentally deleted the text he sent me, so I had to do my best to summarize what he said.

Quite literally the first thing to come to my mind was this: "40 year's huh? That means we landed on the moon in '69. Heh heh."

I thought about making this post be a giant sexual innuendo, but that doesn't really relate it to sports, so I stripped that idea. (That'll be my only one, I promise!)

What I ultimately settled on is this: I love making use of Blogspot's "bulleted list" function, and there are way more connections between July 20th, 1969 (heh heh) and sports than you would think. Coincidence? Probably so, but I'd like to think this is what Austin was going for- a bulleted list that brings together the Lunar Landing and sports.

Let's see if we can't make these seemingly polar opposites 69!- er- come together- er- procreate- er- (awkward pause)...uh, yeah.
  • The first mission to ever land a man on the moon was Apollo 11. The movie "Apollo 13" shows footage of Apollo 11. "Apolo 13" starred Tom Hanks as Jim Lovell. Tom Hanks played both football and ping pong in "Forrest Gump."
  • Neil Armstrong was the first man to ever step foot on the moon. There is an official in the NHL Hall of Fame named Neil Armstrong.
  • Neil Armstrong hates Nascar.
  • The same day that Armstrong landed on the moon, Honduras and El Salvador declared to cease fire, bringing an end to the aptly named "Football War."
  • On the 7-year anniversary of the Lunar Landing, Hank Aaron hit his final career home run- number 755
  • Singer Vitamin C was born the day of the Lunar Landing. Her song, "Graduation (Friends Forever)" has been played at countless high schools at graduation time. People play sports in high school.
  • Isn't there a football team called the "'69ers?" No? Ok.
  • R & B artist Roy Hamilton died the day of the Lunar Landing. Before getting into music, Hamilton was a boxer.
  • July 20th was the 201st day of 1969 (heh heh). Former Royals manager Buddy Bell hit 201 home runs during his playing career. He was a 3rd basemen that made his major league debut 3 years after the Lunar Landing. (Reaching? Yeah.)
  • Bill Dickey had 1,969 hits. I couldn't make this up people. Willie Dickey had 1,969 hits.
  • Michael Collins- the forgotten third member of Apollo 11 that only got to orbit the moon while Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin make history- shares a name with four sports figures: a current Irish soccer player, a current Welsh rugby player, a former U.S. midfielder for the national team, and the current head coach of the football team at the University of Louisiana.
  • Seriously, Neil Armstrong hates Nascar.
  • In Spanish, the word "moon" translates to "luna." Luna Lovegood, of the Harry Potter series, is well-known for wearing a very realistic looking, roaring lion head to Quidditch matches in support of Gryffindor, even though she is in Ravenclaw. Quidditch is a sport.
  • Upon landing on the moon, Neil Armstrong said "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Armstrong neglected to put the preposition "a" in front of "man." I guess what I'm trying to say is that athletes suck at talking.
  • Armstrong later added "F*** Nascar."
  • When crushed up, moon rocks kind of look like cocaine. At least that's what Michael Irvin told me.
  • In "Apollo 13," they play that song "Spirit in the Sky." They also play that song in "Remember the Titans."
  • British Golfer Tony Jacklin won the 1969 British open on July 20th.
  • Tiger Woods has played golf on the moon.
  • Bob Knight is one of the best college basketball coaches of all time. The moon comes out at night.
  • Ken Griffey Jr. was born in 1969 (heh heh.), the same year of the Lunar Landing.
  • Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon. Lance Armstrong was the first person to win the Tour de France with one testicle.
  • Is Neil Armstrong actually Lance Armstrong?
  • Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon. He has the same name as Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story. Tim Allen did the voice of Buzz Lightyear. Tim Allen played Tim Taylor in the TV show, Home Improvement. In that show, Tim Taylor is a Detroit Lions fan. The Detroit Lions are in sports.
  • In last year's Home Run Derby, on one of Josh Hamilton's monstrous shots, Chris Berman said: "He hit that one to the moooooooooon!"
  • The name of the landing ship was Eagle. Hello?! Philadelphia Eagles! Boston College Eagles! The Washington Capitals!
  • Neil Armstrong would rather eat real dog crap than watch Nascar.

HAPPY 40th ANNIVERSARY
LUNAR LANDING DAY!



Sunday, July 19, 2009

Tennessee Volun-teens

"I'm required by federal law to tell you that I'm new to the neighborhood."
-Lane Kiffin

Well, Lane Kiffin just loves the media and getting that "Power T" in it. This time Kiff has made headlines with his latest recruiting strategy.


Meet Evan Berry.

He is the youngest son of former Tennessee Vol running back, James Berry, and and brother of current Tennessee Vol, Eric Berry. The Vols are truly impressed with this thirteen years old's 5 foot 8 inch, 145 pound frame. (They must be taking a page out of "The Catholic Preist Guide For Recruiting") What about his grades, you ask? Well, he doesn't have a GPA. Because he is still in middle school. Then again, grades aren't a huge factor when applying to the University of Tennessee. (They are the third worst in the SEC for graduation rate, graduating just over half their players.)

Evan is with out a doubt, Tennessee's first commit in the 2013 draft class. (Jeeze, where is Chris Hansen when you need him?)

Lane Kiffin keeps getting older while the athletes stay the same age.

However, Kiffin and the Vols are not stopping there? Why solidfy a winning program for the 2013 season? Kiffin wants to make the Volunteers a National Champinship program well into the 2020's. That's why he is taking his recruiting visits to hospitals and daycares. Here is a glimpse of who UT is looking to sign for the future.


University of Tennessee's Newest Football Recruits


Brett Waters Jr.
Brett Waters is the nation's top two year old long snapper. His parents Brett and Linda didn't really know about Junior's talent until they started receiving numerous cell phone calls and text messages from Coach Kiffin and his staff. "It's kind of annoying. The kid just turn two for cryin' out loud," Linda Waters said. Brett Jr.'s daily schedule includes waking up at 7, crying. Then he downs a Pediasure protein shake. He'll watch an episode of Teletubies and then start his workout. He tosses footballs around his living room until he wets his diaper. Brett might be the hardest working recuit that UT has on their board.


DeJuan Hendricks
Dejuan is one of the most exciting recruits for the Volunteers thus far. People knew DeJuan had a life driven for football since he was 1. I mean, c'mon, the kid's first words were, "Left Tackle". With a huge frame for the common three year old, Hendricks will have colleges drooling. Although, Kiffin and UT already have puddles of drool in Knoxville as they don't want to wait any longer. After they tested him for his vertical jump (which is almost to the kitchen counter) the Vols knew they wanted him. They offered him before he even began his Preschool year.


Jason Maxwell
Jason is progressing very well according to UT Scouts. At the ripe age of 11 months, Jason has improved his 40 time to 18:53 (and that is rolling on the ground!). He dominates his Gerber every morning and in his spare time he enjoys sucking on his toes. Watch out for Maxwell in the near future, as he is already committed to Ole Rocky Top!


Grant Newsome
Grant Newsome is in his third trimester and is already making great strides to become Tennessee's next big thing. According to his mom, Grant "kicks a lot." Furthermore, Grant already has a higher IQ than most of the current Tennessee football team.


Tayshaun if it's a boy, Jasmine if it's a girl, Williams
This is Brad and Courtney Williams. Just two and a half weeks after their third year wedding anniversary, the happy couple found out that they were going to have a baby. After calling friends and relatives to give them the good news, they get a knock on their front door. Who was it? None other than Head Coach Lane Kiffin at the Williams' house for an in home visit to try and get Tayshaun/Jasmine to play football for the Vols in 2031. (However, if it is Jasmine, Kiffin said he will pull his offer)

• • •

Parents please take warning. If you see this man in your neighborhood, parks and playgrounds, hospital rooms right after giving birth, asking to join your school carpool group, offering your kids candy in return for their autograph on a letter of intent, offering to babysit your kids, or anything else out of line, please call your local authorities and MSNBC immediately.

Zach Hangs Up His Cleats


Well folks, it seems that there is another casualty with the economic downturn.

Today I am announcing my retirement from Korked Bats. It has been quite a run but now I am moving on. I have enjoyed my time here, but it is time for me to go. I leave for many reasons. To spend more time with my family, my body just can not hold up and take the grind anymore, and mainly my fear of airplane travel.


I am honored to say that I am one of the two founding fathers of Korked Bats (or Corked Bats as we called it at the time), but now Austin will carry that torch on his own. I guess the motto will have to now be "The Lighter Side of Sports from A to K".


I know how much you will all miss my post every three weeks, bizarre ability to pick upsets, and my overwhelming bias against anything outside of KC, but you will have to move on. I am leaving you all in very capable hands, and who knows... maybe a guest post here and there will be in the future.

So now I leave. But I won't leave you empty handed. I leave you with this gem. Teshtastic.

Goodbye Nation

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Trick or Tweet?

“There’s a lot of things they don’t want me to do. I do it anyway. They know that. I don’t know why they even fussing about it. When I say I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it, regardless of what they say.”

That quote comes from Chad Ocho Cinco.

He obviously isn't happy with Commissioner Roger Goodell and his decision to shut the tweet up and play ball. The NFL in accordance to Roger's newly planted "No In-Game Twittering" rule, has outlawed the art of an in-game tweet and has left players like #85 wondering what the twit to do.

With Mr. No Fun in office, we aren't surprised that the decades most innovative way to celebrate a good half of football, has been shacked. Then again, any form of celebration has been outlawed in the NFL. Just add this to the already long list of "fun" that the NFL has taken away for the upcoming season.

This act poses a question that Korked Bats is having trouble answering.

Does this mean Shaq can't twitter at halftime? Does this mean Bobby Cox can't tweet after a complete game shutout by Tommy Hanson? Does this mean that Lisa Leslie can't... Wait... is the WNBA still around? They are? Well, they'd probably kill for some press. You're welcome for the free pub, WNBA. (No, not that kind of pub, Taurasi!)

Sadly, this outcast by Rog has gotten rid of many incredible tweets among the NFL. Check out these few tweets from NFL players who can obviously create a well thought out sentence or two.

(WARNING: All English and Grammar teachers out there, the text you are about to read may cause abrupt chest pains whether you have a heart condition or not. The following content is very shocking. 140 characters or not, this is just horrid spelling and grammar. Please read at your own risk.)


Chris Johson :


Ocho Cinco :


Jon Beason :


For more NFL Player Tweets, click here.

Roger Goodell is also looking into banning these things for the 2009-2010 season:
  • Laptops on the sidelines, especially PC's
  • MySpace pages for NFL players
  • No imaginary machine guns
  • Since Cameras are already outlawed on the field of play, no imaginary cameras either
  • No tagging pictures on Facebook that were taken at NFL games
  • No imaginary electric guitars
  • Only cleats are allowed for games, No Heelys
  • When attending strip clubs with Nelly, no video cameras allowed
  • No pretending to spray paint the football
  • No more Chad Ochocinco Deodorant Commercials
  • Pretty much if it's technology, it's not allowed
  • No touchdown celebrations in which nobody knows what you are doing
  • No more Korked Bats posts about how "not fun" the NFL is becoming

Oh crap... Gotta go!


Putting Your Pants On, Daly

In the recent news, much like all news, we've found that Americans have trouble dressing themselves. If you're a musician, you HAVE to wear jeans of another sexual gender. If you're hood you HAVE to wear clothes that would fit someone 100 lbs. heavier. If you're in the 7th grade, your jeans MUST be JNCO Jeans. If you are a doctor or nurse, you HAVE to wear your scrubs to run all your errands around town. If you're a business man/woman, you HAVE to wear something that chokes your neck. If you work at the Renaissance Festival, you HAVE to wear clothes from medieval times.


But what about if you are a professional golfer?

Tiger and Phil like to keep things simple when out on the links. However, many other golfers find it fun to stray away from the typical slacks and polo combo.

Here's a few golfers on tour that love to mix things up in the looks bin.

Ian Poulter

Camillo Villegas
(OK. Sorry, he doesn't dress that bad. I just really wanted to show you that.)

Shingo Katayama

John Daly
Click here are a few more of Mr. Daly. Little known fact, John Daly always wears two pairs of pants on the golf course. In case he gets a hole in one.


Keep a look out for these men as they compete this weekend in the 2009 British Open.