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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Who Wants To Volunteer?

Lane Kiffin is doing his best Fievel impression and going west. Last night he accepted the USC head coaching job only 14 months after accepting the same position at Tennessee. He was probably just upset and wanted to get paid after being a Volunteer last season (lame Tennessee mascot joke).

His whole "exit strategy" is worse than Obama's (lame Republican joke). Kiffin's plan for leaving is as respectable as his press conference in which he announced it. The nasty white polo t-shirt that was three sizes two big, his appearance that made him look like he just woke up, and the location which seemed to me like they filmed this in a hallway in Kiffin's house. And could we not get any audio amplification in there? The sound of camera flashes was louder than Kiffin's excuse for leaving.

And don't forget, the entire "homemade press conference" lasted 60 seconds. But let's move on...

While he is trying to quietly collect his belongings and skip out of town, Knoxville is in a frenzy as to who their new head coach will be.

Don't worry, we here at Korked Bats have assembled the perfect list of candidates for the Volunteers:

Mike Leach
One thing is for sure, if Leach gets hired by Tennessee, it will put an end to their countless number of athletes getting arrested. Those kids will be so well behaved because they won't want to be locked in an electrical closet for three hours.


Joe Paterno
Why does his name never come up in head coach openings? He has won two National Championships. He has had 6 undefeated seasons. He is the winningest FBS college football head coach of all time. Sure he wears thick glasses, but nothing is thicker than the mess Tennessee is in now.


Urban Meyer
He's taking a leave of absence from Florida next season (allegedly) so wouldn't it be sweet if he sang Rocky Top all night long after beating Florida next season. Wait...


Mark Mangino
UT is used to fat coaches. But nothing could get them ready for Mangino. And although they have the third largest stadium in the country, Mangino probably wouldn't be able to fit in it. It'd be like stuffing a tennis ball in a garden hose.


Conan O'Brien
I heard Conan is looking for a job after NBC has reported they are going to give Jay Leno his old time slot back in March. He would be a pretty good fit. He already has great Tennessee school spirit with his hair color.


Pat Summitt
She is the only successful coach to come out of UT since 1998. She keeps her players from getting arrested, and not to mention, she owns more mens suits than Kiffin ever has.


A Construction Worker
Just hire any construction worker. They could wear their bright orange on the sidelines of the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and then back to work on the construction site on Monday. Not to mention, UT has got a lot of rebuilding to do.


Obie
He's fat. He's orange. Wait a minute? Phil Fulmer, is that you?!


Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo would fit right in with Tennessee's football program. Having been an actor for many years now, he already knows what it's like to work on a sinking ship.


O.J. Simpson
Considering he already wears the UT orange in jail everyday, he would be a great fit! He is a former Heisman trophy winner. Like Kiffin, he is a former USC guy. And you can't forget that he has enough on his criminal record to really relate to the players. But then again, he would probably stab Tennessee in the back also. (Too soon?)


Anne Sullivan
Sullivan is best known for her work as the teacher and companion to Hellen Keller. Let's be honest, Tennessee could definitely use a "Miracle Worker".


Finding a coach and keeping your recruits should be like clockwork (orange) if they want any chance of bringing in a good recruiting class this off season. And I am far from being an athletic director, so take this advice with a grain of salt, but when you're bring in a coach t rebuild your program, I think you should hire one who will stay longer than one season.


42 comments:

Will said...

Well done Austin! Shots at UT and Kiffin! great post!

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