Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
We are so close to launching KorkedBats.com it's not even funny. Not that launching KorkedBats.com is going to be funny. In fact, I'm not even sure what that saying means exactly.
Anyway, in preparation of our big switch (and by big switch, we mean dropping the ".blogspot" from our website), we have produced a couple of low budget (and by low budget, we mean no budget) promos for fun.
Hopefully you enjoy it as we look forward to producing more funny content for you guys in the near future. If you don't enjoy it, then you are probably a bad athlete.
I'm going to be straight up honest with you. This edition of Friday Fun has absolutely NOTHING to do with sports. Not like that is out of the ordinary. Every Friday we try and provide you with a funny video or two to help you make it through your job, classes, or pilates classes on Fridays.
However, today's video is unlike any other video we have put up on Friday Fun.
I can't lie, this video may possibly be the absolute WEIRDEST video I have ever watched. Me talking about how weird it is does not do it justice.
Imagine Fran Drescher milking a Volkswagen sized koala bear in the middle of a Bed Bath and Beyond going out of business clearance sale. ...Got it?
(Note: Please watch at least the first minute. It gets good around the :54 mark.)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I'm going to break the rules a little for this post by naming a group of athletes instead of just one, because let's be honest, it's not like we even name a random athlete each month (we skipped September and December off the top of my head). I don't even know why we call it "of the month" anymore. But we do. We barely even got it posted before the month ended. Anyway, without further ado, let's take a look at January's Korked Bats Random Athlete(s) of the Month:
Women's Gymnastics Team
- Born in Missouri
- Accused of infidelity with a married male athlete and divorced in 2006
- Recently founded the Shannon Miller Foundation dedicated to fighting childhood obesity. Unfortunately, Mark Mangino didn't fall below the age limit.
- Currently a lawyer.
- Born in Hollywood, California
- Sued her parents over earnings (awkward)
- Married to a doctor and has 2 kids
- Wrote an autobiography that reached seventh on the NY Times' Best Sellers List
- Probably suffers from chronic headaches
- Currently coaches gymnastics (shocker)
- Born in Maryland
- Appeared in Prince's music video "Betcha By Golly Wow" and Missy Elliott's "We Run This". Two of my all time favorites
- Served as President of the Women's Sports Federation from 2004-2006
- Currently a motivational speaker and serves on the Advisory Board of Sesame Workshop's "Healthy Habits for Life". I have no idea what that is but it sounds much too boring to waste time looking up.
- Also models bath towels
- Born in Arizona
- Worked as an elementary school teacher
- Currently a presidential appointee in the Justice Department's Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. I always thought this guy was in charge of that.
- Sounds like a mouse
- Still loves America
- Born in California (or so she says)
- Oozes with style
- An accomplished pianist
- Currently a licensed physician and surgeon
- Other than that she hasn't really been very successful
See "Amanda Borden".
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
to interact more.
nickname, you Big Baby.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Though many frequent viewers of ESPN programming are irritated with the absurd abundance of Brett Favre related stories recently displayed, there are those who are, willingly and joyfully, reaping the benefits. Many television networks, particularly those whose numerical channel falls one channel away from that of ESPN, have reported recent spikes in viewers, spikes that coincide directly with the mention of Brett Favre, the Minnesota Vikings, or even the word "ageless."
Aside from regular programming, ESPN has reported a noticeable decrease in viewership directly following any Wranglers Jeans commercial. When reached for comment, ESPN responded, "Those commercials are timeless, ageless wonders. They keep getting better every year, and we'll continue to show new ones each time they change, no matter how minuscule or worthless the change may seem to the public."
Does anyone else see it?!
Monday, January 25, 2010
I feel like I should let you know I'm a little nervous. So bear with me. To break the ice, Austin suggested that I make a little introductory post and let y'all know a little bit about myself. I considered just doing a little copy/paste from my eHarmony profile, but I figured that I should maintain some semblance of pseudo-journalistic integrity.
I'm a recent alumnus of Clemson University (consider yourselves forewarned: the ACC > SEC banter will begin shortly) where I received my bachelors in biology with a minor in breaking hearts. I was working on a Masters, but the workload was seriously infringing on my blogging opportunities. So, wisely, I promptly kicked grad school to the curb and am devoting all of my scholarly efforts to being the most statistically accurate and tongue-in-cheek writer on this site.
I sort of consider my addition to KB analogous to MNF bringing on Dennis Miller. It's ESPN meets The New Yorker and I fully intend to spread every bit of my sardonic and intellectual humor to every corner of the sports world (except baseball... I'm just not a fan).
They say that brevity is the essence of communication. That said, I think I'm going to wrap this up. Let's face it. It hasn't been that funny, anyway. Like eating in a new restaurant, you should avoid it for the first couple of weeks because the service is incompetent and the food is sub-par. Thus, I give you complete permission to skim over my first few posts. But in all seriousness, I'm beyond excited to be writing on here. Expect more to come.
Friday, January 22, 2010
No, we're kidding obviously.
The only thing better than reading Korked Bats is...
...WATCHING Korked Bats!
Finally, we have produced another video for our YouTube page. Now although it's not a video blog like our previous work, it is a promotional video for our site. This is the first of what we want to make on a regular basis, a series of short videos (that we are going to try and make funny) that help promote our site.
Keep in mind that the video says KorkedBats.com. Obviously, you are currently on KorkedBats.blogspot.com. No need to double take, just take our word for it. However, we are currently working on KorkedBats.com and it will be up sooner than you can say Mark Grudzielanek. (For those of you who just said Mark Grudzielanek, obviously we're exagerating a bit.)
So here is the first of, hopefully, a very long series of Korked Bats promotional videos.
This week's Friday Fun brings you former USC head coach Pete Carroll in an acting role. He probably wanted to display his thespian skills since he was pretty much the only head coach in the country who didn't have an appearance in the movie The Blind Side.
This is a very funny video and on top of that it helps promote "A Better LA", an organization started by Carroll that unites local leaders from the private, non-profit, social service, faith-based, education, and law enforcement sectors. They are committed to supporting Los Angeles communities in their goal to reduce violence by empowering change from within.
If you live in or near the Los Angeles area, you should check this organization out. And if you order tickets today for their comedy event on February 20th at the Nokia Theater, all proceeds will go to the American Red Cross Haiti Relief Fund. On top of all that, you will get two tickets for the price of one.
So, if you are in LA, check out their comedy event on February 20th featuring Will Ferrell, and purchase your tickets today to support Haiti.
And if you don't live in LA, just check out this video. It's funny.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The first pictures of Tiger Woods in public since his November 27th failed drivers test where he hit not only a fire hydrant, but his neighbor's tree as well.
About 3 months and 14 mistresses later, Tiger has still yet to be seen publicly. However, just yesterday photos of him walking outside (crazy, I know) were released. Compliments of The National Enquirer.
Lucky for you, you read Korked Bats and we have obtained said photos and are here to share them with you.
These photos are all courtesy of The National Enquirer as you can see by the discrete water mark they put on all of them.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
when a camera is on me.
Last season's NL CY Young Award winner is finally paying for his sins (pun intended). Lincecum faced two misdemeanor charges for drug paraphernalia possession coming from a traffic stop on October 30th of last year.
Lincecum tried to pitch his case (pun intended again) yesterday morning in court in Washington state, where he obtained the ticket. The charges were then dropped to a civil infraction, but Lincecum was still forced to pay $513 for the marijuana charges.
the kid from Dazed and Confused? The same Tim Lincecum that St. Louis Cardinals fans didn't think deserved the Cy Young this past season?
Well, in response to that last one, the news of Lincecum being a pot head makes his accomplishments in baseball that much greater.
Before you jump to conclusions about me being an advocate for Mary Jane, hear me out.
While most people in today's age of baseball take PED's (Performance Enhancing Drugs), Tim Lincecum apparently takes PDD's (Performance Dehancing Drugs). Let's face it, marijuana doesn't make you the most energized of all drugs. Haven't you seen their commercials?
See?! Marijuana apparently makes you look like Judge Doom at the end of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? after he gets flattened by the steamroller. So for someone to play baseball as well as Timmy did while on marijuana is nothing short of amazing.
like pot heads, some athletes look like juicers, and some athletes look like their fresh out of a Godzilla movie.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
The 2010 NBA All-Star Slam Dunk Contestants were named today. Reigning champion, Nate Robinson leads the squad of non-superstars, as he will try to become the first ever 3 time champion of the contest. The other competitors will be Shannon Brown (who actually can FLY and is my early favorite to win the contest) of the Los Angeles Lakers, Gerald Wallace of the Charlotte Bobcats, and the final spot is going to who ever wins a dunk contest at halftime of the rookie game. The two competing are Eric Gordon of the Los Angeles Clippers and DeMar DeRozan of the Toronto Raptors.
Frankly, I'm a little upset. I'm upset for a couple reasons. Those reasons are:
- No Dwight Howard coming back to reclaim his title.
- No Indiana Pacers are in the contest.
- LeBron James has backed out after saying he was going to be in it.
Hear me out first, I love LeBron James. I believe he is the best player in the game. He just barely nudges out Kobe in my opinion, but that's another topic for another day. I always pull for the Cavaliers in the playoffs and if there is going to be another Michael Jordan, I want it to be LeBron James.
But him backing out of the contest that he already verbally agreed to really makes me mad.
Some may say, why aren't you mad at Kobe, Dwayne Wade, or Yao Ming? Well, Kobe and Wade never told the world they were going to be in the contest. And as for Yao...Well, it wouldn't be fun to watch someone dunk without them having to leave their feet. (The NBA really needs to do something about the lack of excitement from their participants, because I'm going to be honest, the Dunk Contest is already in the hot seat with some of the writers of this blog.)
At last year's Dunk Contest, James said:
"Right now I'm preliminarily putting my name in the 2010 contest Saturday night. LeBron James is saying in 2010, in Dallas Stadium, [preliminarily] he will compete."I know I wasn't the only person who got more excited than The Pointer Sisters, when they heard that quote.
In fact, there are only things that LeBron could have said that would have gotten me MORE excited than the thought of him being in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. Those three things are:
- Austin Huff, I want you to give you all of my money.
- When I become a free agent, I am going to sign with the Indiana Pacers.
- Check out Korked Bats! It's the best sports website on the inter webs.
The NBA Dunk Contest could learn a thing or two from MLB's Home Run Derby. Think back to the best home run hitters of the past two decades (steroids/fast food sandwhiches or not). Every single one of them competed in the Home Run Derby at least once. Pujols, Bonds, Sosa, McLiar, err, I mean McGuire, Griffey, A-Rod, and who could forget the great Alex Ríos?
With the exception of Dwight Howard (who arguably became as popular as he is today because of his success in the dunk contest), the last superstar to compete in the dunk contest was Vince Carter in 2000. And frankly, that was the best dunk contest I have ever seen. Sure, these past two years have gotten interesting with the props and costumes, but to me, nothing has capped off what Vince Carter did ten years ago. If the history of The Slam Dunk Contest was the TV show Seinfeld, the 2000 Slam Dunk Contest would have been The Marine Biologist episode.
At least the Home Run Derby has an excuse to not have big names fill the list each season. Historically, after a player competes in The Derby, his home run total and batting average takes a serious hit in the second half of the season. Not to mention they risk getting hurt and fatigued with how they alter their swing to muscle balls out of the park.
"Oh I don't know about the Dunk Contest. I don't want to get hurt doing the stuff I do before and after practice [probably] everyday." Or is it, "I want to keep my focus on helping my team, the East, put up 188 points so we can beat the West this year." Or maybe even, "I just don't want to break a nail."
Heck, what do you have to lose, LeBron? It's not like you'll be going up against someone and everyone in the contest are professionals, so you don't have to worry about some college kid dunking ON you again.
At very least, have LeBron's puppet compete. That would bring in great ratings. I mean heck, just look at Sesame Street. They have puppets on the show everyday and they are still on the air.
big pile of Rosin.
The NBA Dunk Contest needs more superstars in it EVERY year! And if they can't manage to make that work, the contest could, at least, use more cowbell...
Friday, January 15, 2010
It's been a while since we had some Friday Fun. And although it's a little late in the day, it's never too late to have fun. So what do ya say? Let's have some fun!
A lot of you have already seen this first video. If you guys have read Korked Bats this week, then you have seen this video in this week's "Let Me Be Frank With You..." post. This video was originally filmed to be cut into a couple Nike ads.
I don't care what ANYONE says, this video/rap song is the best thing hip hop music has produced since Salt N' Peppa's "Push It". And trust me, I know a thing or two about ridiculously awesome rap music.
This video just screams, "I am LT and I am awesome!" Finally, LaDainian Tomlinson is relevant again. Not necessarily in football, but in society.
In honor of LT's Electric Glide, Korked Bats has decided to find some of the greatest rap song music videos by athletes of all time. Enjoy!
The 1985 Chicago Bears'
"Super Bowl Shuffle"
The 1987 Missouri Tigers'
"Cats From Ole Mizzou"
The 1988 Florida State Seminoles'
"Shoot, Pass, Slam"
Thursday, January 14, 2010
be the death of me.