John Clayton Banned From ESPNHD Programming

After numerous complaints from viewers, ESPN and its affiliates have placed a permanent ban on NFL Commentator John Clayton (and his likeness) from all ESPNHD programming, citing in a press release today the increased detail on his "already ridiculously porous, babylike face" as a distraction to viewers, detraction their attention from "whatever pompous statements Clayton is currently spewing."

Since the introduction of HD to ESPN, anchors and correspondents have been forced to up the ante on makeup and physical presentation due to HD's ability to put even the most minor of flaws on full display. ESPN explored several avenues in attempt to keep Clayton on board. ESPN Director of Programming Charles Forsome said in a statement he released earlier today:

"We thought about putting up one of those warnings they place before Japanese Anime cartoons, one of the potential seizure warnings. But we [ESPN Council] agreed that the warning would not be harsh enough... people still wouldn't be ready for what they were about to see."

He continued, "Even James Cameron couldn't CGI that mess."

It is a common thought that much of sports programming benefits in large from HD programming, but the repercussions as they relate to non-athletes was a consequence that "only the architect from the Matrix could have foreseen."

In one letter to ESPN offices relating to Clayton, Billy Cardigan, a young boy of six, asked ESPN "why Benjamin Buttons kept talking about the Dallas Cowboys."

Clayton's fate has not been ignored by other ESPN Commentators, especially those with a similar complexion. After being questioned today, Chris Berman responded, "Whoooop! Wocka Wocka Wocka! Deerrdeeeed!"

ESPN is already planning on the release of ESPN3D this summer, its premier in the 2010 FIFA World Cup. When asked on his thoughts, Forsome responded, "We can only pray that Wayne Rooney, Carlos Tevez and Ronaldinho get knocked out in group play. Those faces weren't meant for more than one dimension."

-Kyle Ayers

Promosexuals

We are so close to launching KorkedBats.com it's not even funny. Not that launching KorkedBats.com is going to be funny. In fact, I'm not even sure what that saying means exactly.

Anyway, in preparation of our big switch (and by big switch, we mean dropping the ".blogspot" from our website), we have produced a couple of low budget (and by low budget, we mean no budget) promos for fun.

Hopefully you enjoy it as we look forward to producing more funny content for you guys in the near future. If you don't enjoy it, then you are probably a bad athlete.

Friday Fun

I'm going to be straight up honest with you. This edition of Friday Fun has absolutely NOTHING to do with sports. Not like that is out of the ordinary. Every Friday we try and provide you with a funny video or two to help you make it through your job, classes, or pilates classes on Fridays.

However, today's video is unlike any other video we have put up on Friday Fun.

I can't lie, this video may possibly be the absolute WEIRDEST video I have ever watched. Me talking about how weird it is does not do it justice.

Imagine Fran Drescher milking a Volkswagen sized koala bear in the middle of a Bed Bath and Beyond going out of business clearance sale. ...Got it?

Yup... this video is still weirder than that.

Enjoy!

(Note: Please watch at least the first minute. It gets good around the :54 mark.)

Random Athlete(s) of the Month - January

I'm going to break the rules a little for this post by naming a group of athletes instead of just one, because let's be honest, it's not like we even name a random athlete each month (we skipped September and December off the top of my head). I don't even know why we call it "of the month" anymore. But we do. We barely even got it posted before the month ended. Anyway, without further ado, let's take a look at January's Korked Bats Random Athlete(s) of the Month:

The 1996 U.S. Olympic
Women's Gymnastics Team

Aptly referred to as the "Magnificent Seven", the '96 U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team won the United States their first ever Gold Medal in Women's Team Competition in the 1996 Atlanta Olympics.

Go Amurrrica!

If you're like me and most other people I knew back in those days, you had your favorite member. Mine was Dominique Dawes. Chip's was Kerry Strug (I'm not sure about this one. I didn't know Chip back then), and Austin's sister's was Dominique Moceanu. While we may disagree on which one was the best, we should all be able to agree on the fact that aside from the most recent Olympics in 2008, 1996 was the only time in our lives where women's gymnastics was not only relevant, but actually enjoyable to follow. Take notes WNBA.

Let's take a nostalgic look back at the seven members of the team that captured the hearts and televisions of millions of people across this great country of ours and check in on what they are up to these days:

Shannon Miller

Arguably the the greatest gymnist the United States has ever produced, Shannon Miller racked up a total of 16 World Championships and Olympic Medals between 1991 and 1996. Interestingly that's almost as much as I had accomplished by the time I turned 19.

Quick Facts

• Born in Missouri
• Accused of infidelity with a married male athlete and divorced in 2006
• Recently founded the Shannon Miller Foundation dedicated to fighting childhood obesity. Unfortunately, Mark Mangino didn't fall below the age limit.
• Currently a lawyer.
  

Dominique Moceanu

Early in her career, Moceanu's hallmarks were daring tricks on the balance beam and spunky, inspired presentations on the floor. She evolved into a more elegant and mature style later in her career. How do I know this? Wikipedia. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Quick Facts

• Born in Hollywood, California
• Sued her parents over earnings (awkward)
  
• Married to a doctor and has 2 kids
• Wrote an autobiography that reached seventh on the NY Times' Best Sellers List
• Probably suffers from chronic headaches
  
• Currently coaches gymnastics (shocker)
  

Dominique Dawes

Considered by many (or just me) to be the Jackie Robinson of gymnastics, Dominique was the first black person of any nationality to win an individual or team gold medal in gymnastics. She won both. Dawes was also the only member of the '96 team to have all eight of her scores count towards the total. She's not only the Jackie Robinson of the sport, she's apparently the Bo Jackson too. The girl does it all!

Quick Facts

• Born in Maryland
• Appeared in Prince's music video "Betcha By Golly Wow" and Missy Elliott's "We Run This". Two of my all time favorites
• Served as President of the Women's Sports Federation from 2004-2006
• Currently a motivational speaker and serves on the Advisory Board of Sesame Workshop's "Healthy Habits for Life". I have no idea what that is but it sounds much too boring to waste time looking up.
• Also models bath towels

Kerri Strug

How could we ever forget the heart and determination of Kerri Strug during the '96 Olympics. After seriously injuring her ankle, Kerri was able to perform the vault with grace helping the U.S. clinch the Gold Medal. Her efforts definitely did not go unrecognized by the country as she became a hero across the land. After her performance in the Olympics, Strug met Bill Clinton (what female didn't in the 90's?), appeared on just about every talk show, made the cover of Sports Illustrated, was mocked on Saturday Night Live, and coolest of all, appeared in a SportsCenter commercial.

Quick Facts

• Born in Arizona
• Worked as an elementary school teacher
• Currently a presidential appointee in the Justice Department's Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. I always thought this guy was in charge of that.
• Sounds like a mouse
• Still loves America
  

Amy Chow

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure Amy Chow hypnotized the entire world in to believing she was supposed to be on the United States team when really she was supposed to be competing for China. Hey, I'll take it. She was so good they named two moves after her, "Chow/Khorkina" & "Chow II". Those are among my favorite moves in all of gymnastics.

Quick Facts

• Born in California (or so she says)
• Oozes with style
  
• An accomplished pianist
• Currently a licensed physician and surgeon
• Other than that she hasn't really been very successful
  

Amanda Borden

I really don't remember this girl being on the team. Therefore I don't feel the need to reminisce about her contributions.



Jaycie Phelps
See "Amanda Borden".

Let Me Be Frank With You...

I want all you readers
to interact more.

The above picture was taken by a Korked Bats follower, Chris, before the Saints/Vikings game on Sunday. I first want to say how jealous I am that he had field passes to a game of that magnitude. Now, obviously his "seats" paled in comparison to mine at the Cross Corner Bar & Grill in Brentwood, Tennessee. You know, the one in between the tanning salon and art gallery? No? Well I'm sorry, but let me just tell you, my seats were legit. Anyway, I was going to write about Brett Favre in this section but realized everyone and their mother has beaten this topic to death worse than [Insert metaphor here. This can be your first interaction with the site!]

Over the past few weeks we have been receiving more comments from our readers and that's fantastic. And yes, even some from people not named Will or spam-bots trying to make us millions by selling an attic full of baseball cards. My bad, that was this guy. Anyway, I know it's kind of annoying that comments don't show up on the actual main page and we're slowly but surely working on changing that, but the more reader input, interaction, ideas, pictures, millions of dollars, ect. that you contribute, the more fun we can have and the more entertaining this site can be.

So if you read a post on this site and all of a sudden something pops into your head like, "Man, my life was exponentially better before reading this garbage Frank just wrote," don't just keep those thoughts to yourself. Share them with everyone! Also feel free to send in any pictures or ideas or anything you wish. We get lonely from time to time here at KB and any input from readers is greatly appreciated.

Note to self: If the caller
I.D. says "Barack Obama",
don't pick up.

First our economy, then the Olympics, now this! I swear, everything President Obama gets involved with implodes faster than Ja Rule's career. After raising over $1.3 million in less than 24 hours for the immediate relief of Haitian victims, the top ranked (not for long) University of Kentucky Basketball team received a phone call from the President thanking them for their efforts and wishing them luck for the rest of the season. Hours later their previously unblemished 19-0 record fell to 19-1. Coincidence? I think not.

You can't just change your
nickname, you Big Baby.

Pun intended. Glen Davis is tired of his nickname "Big Baby" and has announced he no longer desires to be referred to as such. I haven't read the book on nickname rules and guidelines (I've been meaning to pick it up), but I do know nicknames are to be given to you by others and not created and governed by one's self. Unless you're like Chad Ochocinco and legally change it. Anything he does is OK in my book (which I highly recommend, great read). Speaking of Ochocinco, you gotta love the originality of Davis's "new nickname" which I hope never catches on, "Uno Uno". Wonder where you got that idea, Glen?

This is really awkward.

Kobe, stick to what you're best at, this.

AT&T needs a lesson
in prioritization.

Does anyone actually listen to Luke Wilson in his AT&T commercials? Yea, I didn't think so. Well, in an attempt to rebut the Verizon map commercials that advertise the extensive coverage of the Verizon network (you know, a very relevant factor in choosing a cell provider), Luke Wilson argues that Verizon doesn't let you surf the internet on your phone during a phone call. They also manage to act out the only fathomable circumstance where this feature would actually be useful, a friend using you as their "phone a friend" in a game show. Furthermore (for some reason using that word reminded me of 8th grade English class), even if you were to receive such an urgent call, there is no way you could look anything up in the 30 seconds allotted to you. If anyone chose AT&T over Verizon for this feature alone, consider yourself a buffoon.

Television Networks Near ESPN Benefit From Brett Favre Induced Switchover

Though many frequent viewers of ESPN programming are irritated with the absurd abundance of Brett Favre related stories recently displayed, there are those who are, willingly and joyfully, reaping the benefits. Many television networks, particularly those whose numerical channel falls one channel away from that of ESPN, have reported recent spikes in viewers, spikes that coincide directly with the mention of Brett Favre, the Minnesota Vikings, or even the word "ageless."

Michael Prowess, the Programming Director of WGN Local Networking in a few markets, noticed the trend increasing: "We fall one channel below ESPN numerically in a few of our markets. The other night our ratings jumped 5.6 points after ESPN began a story on the Best and Worst of Brett Favre. Apparently, people just want to change the channel when his name comes up. We were airing a Slap Chop infomercial at the time."

Cassandra Robinson, avid sports fan and television enthusiast, said she immediately jumped ship, "[ESPN] mentioned retirement, and even though they were talking about horse racing, I knew where that word was leading the show."

Robinson promptly smashed her Up button on the remote, switching her to FOX Sports HD Networking, which was currently off the air. "I didn't care what it was," she responded, "those colored bars and that eternal ringing were both welcomed by my Brett Favre flooded senses."

Aside from regular programming, ESPN has reported a noticeable decrease in viewership directly following any Wranglers Jeans commercial. When reached for comment, ESPN responded, "Those commercials are timeless, ageless wonders. They keep getting better every year, and we'll continue to show new ones each time they change, no matter how minuscule or worthless the change may seem to the public."

-Kyle Ayers

Korked Bats Look Alikes - Self Arbuckle

kansas jayhawk Head Basketball Coach Bill Self and Garfield owner Jon Arbuckle

Does anyone else see it?!

Popping My Kork

Oh, hey there.

I feel like I should let you know I'm a little nervous. So bear with me. To break the ice, Austin suggested that I make a little introductory post and let y'all know a little bit about myself. I considered just doing a little copy/paste from my eHarmony profile, but I figured that I should maintain some semblance of pseudo-journalistic integrity.

So here it goes...

I'm a recent alumnus of Clemson University (consider yourselves forewarned: the ACC > SEC banter will begin shortly) where I received my bachelors in biology with a minor in breaking hearts. I was working on a Masters, but the workload was seriously infringing on my blogging opportunities. So, wisely, I promptly kicked grad school to the curb and am devoting all of my scholarly efforts to being the most statistically accurate and tongue-in-cheek writer on this site.

I sort of consider my addition to KB analogous to MNF bringing on Dennis Miller. It's ESPN meets The New Yorker and I fully intend to spread every bit of my sardonic and intellectual humor to every corner of the sports world (except baseball... I'm just not a fan).

They say that brevity is the essence of communication. That said, I think I'm going to wrap this up. Let's face it. It hasn't been that funny, anyway. Like eating in a new restaurant, you should avoid it for the first couple of weeks because the service is incompetent and the food is sub-par. Thus, I give you complete permission to skim over my first few posts. But in all seriousness, I'm beyond excited to be writing on here. Expect more to come.


Slack... Out.

More Friday Fun

• It's Friday! Let's have some MORE fun! •

What's better than reading Korked Bats?!

Nothing.

No, we're kidding obviously.

The only thing better than reading Korked Bats is...

...WATCHING Korked Bats!

Finally, we have produced another video for our YouTube page. Now although it's not a video blog like our previous work, it is a promotional video for our site. This is the first of what we want to make on a regular basis, a series of short videos (that we are going to try and make funny) that help promote our site.

Keep in mind that the video says KorkedBats.com. Obviously, you are currently on KorkedBats.blogspot.com. No need to double take, just take our word for it. However, we are currently working on KorkedBats.com and it will be up sooner than you can say Mark Grudzielanek. (For those of you who just said Mark Grudzielanek, obviously we're exagerating a bit.)

So here is the first of, hopefully, a very long series of Korked Bats promotional videos.

Friday Fun

• It's Friday! Let's have some fun! •

This week's Friday Fun brings you former USC head coach Pete Carroll in an acting role. He probably wanted to display his thespian skills since he was pretty much the only head coach in the country who didn't have an appearance in the movie The Blind Side.

This is a very funny video and on top of that it helps promote "A Better LA", an organization started by Carroll that unites local leaders from the private, non-profit, social service, faith-based, education, and law enforcement sectors. They are committed to supporting Los Angeles communities in their goal to reduce violence by empowering change from within.

If you live in or near the Los Angeles area, you should check this organization out. And if you order tickets today for their comedy event on February 20th at the Nokia Theater, all proceeds will go to the American Red Cross Haiti Relief Fund. On top of all that, you will get two tickets for the price of one.

So, if you are in LA, check out their comedy event on February 20th featuring Will Ferrell, and purchase your tickets today to support Haiti.

And if you don't live in LA, just check out this video. It's funny.

Pete Carroll's Trip to Seattle Delayed from Rob Riggle

A Spotted Tiger

The first pictures of Tiger Woods in public since his November 27th failed drivers test where he hit not only a fire hydrant, but his neighbor's tree as well.

About 3 months and 14 mistresses later, Tiger has still yet to be seen publicly. However, just yesterday photos of him walking outside (crazy, I know) were released. Compliments of The National Enquirer.

Lucky for you, you read Korked Bats and we have obtained said photos and are here to share them with you.

These photos are all courtesy of The National Enquirer as you can see by the discrete water mark they put on all of them.

Finally, visual evidence of Tiger Woods. Gah, he really looks beat.

I'm not going to lie, he looks very sub-par.

There he is, just puttering around in the rain.

It looks cold... He should throw on a green jacket.

Poor guy, he looks like he just got broken up with... 15 times.

Ok, I'm starting to wonder if this is even Tiger Woods. It could just be some guy with a latté wearing a hooded sweatshirt halfway on.

Whoa, a close up. Ok, now I'm certain it's Tiger Woods.

He's probably walking to his car. It's parked by either the tree, the fire hydrant, or in the lowest handicapped spot.

And all this time when Tiger was saying he had a "whore in one" we just thought he was talking about golf with his Asian accent slipping up the word hole.

Tiger Woods has honestly gone from being the biggest and greatest athlete in the world to the biggest joke on the planet. It's a shame. And by it's I mean his life. I feel bad for anyone in his family, especially Elin.

Let Me Be Frank With You...

Give Mississippi State a break.

Before we begin, please take a moment to appreciate how lame the above picture is. I've always been annoyed when people substitute the suffix of their city and replace it with "vegas", but this one takes the cake. Anyway, Mississippi State's football team is under investigation for allegedly entertaining recruits by taking them to the local strip club, The Pony. No, that's not allowed. While I'm not here to advocate a rule change allowing strip clubs to be accepted venues for recruiting visits, I've got to show a little sympathy for the Bulldogs. I mean, what a task. Sell recruits on the idea of living in, of all places, Starkville, Mississippi for the next four years or so. Where else are they going to go? McDonald's? Wal-Mart? A bank? Because I'm pretty sure besides The Pony, that's all they've got. To show you how irrelevant Starkville is to the rest of the country, my spell check keeps putting a red squiggly under it.

I never know what to do
when a camera is on me.

Yep, that's me, you're favorite, unbiased Korked Bats writer. I'm the one holding up the letters on my chest. You know, the one that looks really cool. Is it just me or do you guys have absolutely no clue what to do when they put the camera on you at sporting events? I can remember the thought process that went through my head just as I noticed the camera in front of me had just turned it's little red light on. I wanted to do something funny that would make my friends watching laugh but couldn't think fast enough. Plus, I tried that before on ESPN College Gameday and they had to do a re-take. True story. So next I decided I was going to put up the "We're number 1" finger but realized i have a deformed index finger (dadgum intermural injuries) and they weren't number 1 so I'd just be lying to America. So next I decided I was going to just put my arms in the air and jump around and get hyped, but then I remembered I forgot my antiperspirant and my pit stains were as large as a regulation softball. So I settled for the "front of shirt grab" I've seen people do from time to time. But I did get a high five from Ashley Judd which made everything else seem paltry.

Don Lewis is the king of irony.

The All-American Basketball League hopes to begin its inaugural season some time this summer. Big deal, right? Well in a statement released on MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY, Don Lewis, head of the league, described the AABL with the following guidelines, "Only players that are natural-born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league." I'm not making this stuff up people. Lewis went on to say, "There's nothing hatred about what we're doing. I don't hate anyone of color. But people of white American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like." Wow, I can't wait until Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson get a hold of this guy. And Don, since I know you read this blog religiously, I've got to tell you this isn't a original idea. Duke has been practicing this all-white approach for years.

Chad Ochocinco is the most entertaining athlete in America.

Ochocinco celebrated his birthday on Saturday by purchasing the truck pictured above as a present to himself. In other news, he hasn't quite bought into the whole "go green" movement.

Geico finally hired decently humorous marketers.

It all started with that tag line "fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance". Then that stupid Gecko entered my life. Then the cavemen gained popularity for reasons I'll never understand. Remember when they had their own TV Show? And you can't forget about the equally annoying ones that starred such celebrities as Little Richard and the guy that does movie trailer voice-overs. Needless to say, Geico spends way too much money on unfathomably unenjoyable advertising. But my friends, a day has come that I never thought I'd see. Geico has begun a marketing campaign that I actually don't loathe. "Does Charlie Daniels play a mean fiddle?" "Is Ed Too-Tall Jones too tall?" "Does Elmer Fudd have trouble with the letter R?" And I saw a new one today while I was sitting in the waiting room of Firestone waiting on them to finish working on my mother's '99 Plymouth Grand Voyager minivan (I tell you what, my post-college life has been greatly successful so far) but I can't remember what it said. But it was funny and you should feel the same. Then we can be friends.

High Young Award Winner

Apparently Tim Lincecum didn't get the memo on what going green means.

Last season's NL CY Young Award winner is finally paying for his sins (pun intended). Lincecum faced two misdemeanor charges for drug paraphernalia possession coming from a traffic stop on October 30th of last year.

Lincecum tried to pitch his case (pun intended again) yesterday morning in court in Washington state, where he obtained the ticket. The charges were then dropped to a civil infraction, but Lincecum was still forced to pay $513 for the marijuana charges.

I'm sorry but why is any of this news surprising? Has anyone seen Tim Lincecum? I think the bigger story would be if he wasn't found guilty of marijuana possession.

Aren't we talking about the same Tim Lincecum who was on the cover of the video game Major League Baseball 2K High? Errrr, I mean 2K9. And aren't we talking about the same Tim Lincecum who looks exactly like the kid from Dazed and Confused? The same Tim Lincecum that St. Louis Cardinals fans didn't think deserved the Cy Young this past season?

Well, in response to that last one, the news of Lincecum being a pot head makes his accomplishments in baseball that much greater.

Before you jump to conclusions about me being an advocate for Mary Jane, hear me out.

While most people in today's age of baseball take PED's (Performance Enhancing Drugs), Tim Lincecum apparently takes PDD's (Performance Dehancing Drugs). Let's face it, marijuana doesn't make you the most energized of all drugs. Haven't you seen their commercials?

See?! Marijuana apparently makes you look like Judge Doom at the end of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? after he gets flattened by the steamroller. So for someone to play baseball as well as Timmy did while on marijuana is nothing short of amazing.

Again, we're not saying that marijuana is good. Because it's not. We're just saying that it's not that surprising that Lincecum was caught with weed. Because lets face it, some athletes look like pot heads, some athletes look like juicers, and some athletes look like their fresh out of a Godzilla movie.

Korked Bats Look Alikes - Mr. Red Busey

Cincinatti Reds Old Mascot Mr. Red and Actor/Crazy Guy Gary Busey

Does anyone else see it?!

LeBron Lames

The 2010 NBA All-Star Slam Dunk Contestants were named today. Reigning champion, Nate Robinson leads the squad of non-superstars, as he will try to become the first ever 3 time champion of the contest. The other competitors will be Shannon Brown (who actually can FLY and is my early favorite to win the contest) of the Los Angeles Lakers, Gerald Wallace of the Charlotte Bobcats, and the final spot is going to who ever wins a dunk contest at halftime of the rookie game. The two competing are Eric Gordon of the Los Angeles Clippers and DeMar DeRozan of the Toronto Raptors.

Did I put you to sleep yet with that list?

Frankly, I'm a little upset. I'm upset for a couple reasons. Those reasons are:

1. No Dwight Howard coming back to reclaim his title.
2. No Indiana Pacers are in the contest.
3. LeBron James has backed out after saying he was going to be in it.

Now the first two reasons of this list are self explanatory. I don't need to waste any time of this post explaining to you why Dwight Howard or ANY Indiana Pacer needs to be in the contest. Those two facts are a given.

However, I'm really burning on that #3 reason.

LeBron James, arguably the best player in the game right now, without a doubt one of the greatest players of this generation, will not compete in this year's Slam Dunk Contest at Cowboys Stadium in Dallas, Texas.

Hear me out first, I love LeBron James. I believe he is the best player in the game. He just barely nudges out Kobe in my opinion, but that's another topic for another day. I always pull for the Cavaliers in the playoffs and if there is going to be another Michael Jordan, I want it to be LeBron James.

But him backing out of the contest that he already verbally agreed to really makes me mad.

Some may say, why aren't you mad at Kobe, Dwayne Wade, or Yao Ming? Well, Kobe and Wade never told the world they were going to be in the contest. And as for Yao...Well, it wouldn't be fun to watch someone dunk without them having to leave their feet. (The NBA really needs to do something about the lack of excitement from their participants, because I'm going to be honest, the Dunk Contest is already in the hot seat with some of the writers of this blog.)

At last year's Dunk Contest, James said:

"Right now I'm preliminarily putting my name in the 2010 contest Saturday night. LeBron James is saying in 2010, in Dallas Stadium, [preliminarily] he will compete."

I know I wasn't the only person who got more excited than The Pointer Sisters, when they heard that quote.

In fact, there are only things that LeBron could have said that would have gotten me MORE excited than the thought of him being in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. Those three things are:

1. Austin Huff, I want you to give you all of my money.
2. When I become a free agent, I am going to sign with the Indiana Pacers.
3. Check out Korked Bats! It's the best sports website on the inter webs.

However, he didn't say those things. He said he was going to be in the All Star game. And in doing so, I, along with everyone else, got excited only to have the rug pulled out from under me months later.

Stop teasing us, LeBron...

The NBA Dunk Contest could learn a thing or two from MLB's Home Run Derby. Think back to the best home run hitters of the past two decades (steroids/fast food sandwhiches or not). Every single one of them competed in the Home Run Derby at least once. Pujols, Bonds, Sosa, McLiar, err, I mean McGuire, Griffey, A-Rod, and who could forget the great Alex Ríos?

With the exception of Dwight Howard (who arguably became as popular as he is today because of his success in the dunk contest), the last superstar to compete in the dunk contest was Vince Carter in 2000. And frankly, that was the best dunk contest I have ever seen. Sure, these past two years have gotten interesting with the props and costumes, but to me, nothing has capped off what Vince Carter did ten years ago. If the history of The Slam Dunk Contest was the TV show Seinfeld, the 2000 Slam Dunk Contest would have been The Marine Biologist episode.

At least the Home Run Derby has an excuse to not have big names fill the list each season. Historically, after a player competes in The Derby, his home run total and batting average takes a serious hit in the second half of the season. Not to mention they risk getting hurt and fatigued with how they alter their swing to muscle balls out of the park.

What is the excuse for the NBA? Or for LeBron?

"Oh I don't know about the Dunk Contest. I don't want to get hurt doing the stuff I do before and after practice [probably] everyday." Or is it, "I want to keep my focus on helping my team, the East, put up 188 points so we can beat the West this year." Or maybe even, "I just don't want to break a nail."

Heck, what do you have to lose, LeBron? It's not like you'll be going up against someone and everyone in the contest are professionals, so you don't have to worry about some college kid dunking ON you again.

At very least, have LeBron's puppet compete. That would bring in great ratings. I mean heck, just look at Sesame Street. They have puppets on the show everyday and they are still on the air.

I believed in words like CHANGE and HOPE to describe the idea of one of the game's biggest superstars competing in one of the game's most fun events, but like our country's economic problems, those words proved to be just that, words. All I'm saying is that LeBron James not competing in the Dunk Contest this season after telling the world that he would is a big pile of Rosin.

The NBA Dunk Contest needs more superstars in it EVERY year! And if they can't manage to make that work, the contest could, at least, use more cowbell...

Friday Fun

• It's Friday! Let's have some fun! •

It's been a while since we had some Friday Fun. And although it's a little late in the day, it's never too late to have fun. So what do ya say? Let's have some fun!

A lot of you have already seen this first video. If you guys have read Korked Bats this week, then you have seen this video in this week's "Let Me Be Frank With You..." post. This video was originally filmed to be cut into a couple Nike ads.

I don't care what ANYONE says, this video/rap song is the best thing hip hop music has produced since Salt N' Peppa's "Push It". And trust me, I know a thing or two about ridiculously awesome rap music.

This video just screams, "I am LT and I am awesome!" Finally, LaDainian Tomlinson is relevant again. Not necessarily in football, but in society.

In honor of LT's Electric Glide, Korked Bats has decided to find some of the greatest rap song music videos by athletes of all time. Enjoy!

LT's
"Electric Glide"

The 1985 Chicago Bears'
"Super Bowl Shuffle"

The 1987 Missouri Tigers'
"Cats From Ole Mizzou"

The 1988 Florida State Seminoles'
"Seminole Rap"

Shaquille O'Neal's
"Shoot, Pass, Slam"

Let Me Be Frank With You...

I told you so, Vol fans.

Lane Kiffin is a classless punk and a clown of a football coach. I have been saying this since the day he was named the coach at UT and became relevant in my life. He has been the subject of too many of my posts on this blog (most of which were met with great opposition), and I couldn't be any more thrilled that he moved out of the state in which I call home and to a state that has a decent chance of falling into the depths of the ocean (God bless the San Andreas Fault). The timing, the 60 second goodbye, the cleaning house leaving nobody but Kippy Brown to hold down the fort, the reports of Ed Orgeron calling Vol recruits during the team meeting last night, the wife he doesn't deserve, ect. all give credibility to prophetic words of Raiders owner Al Davis when warning the University of Tennessee of their hiring of Kiffin:

"Lane Kiffin is a flat-out liar. He lied to the team, he lied to the fans, and he lied to the media. He will try to destroy that university like he tried to destroy the Raiders"

So here you go Vol fans, a gourmet plate of crow. Eat it. I ate mine after a couple of years of defending Billy Gillispie without ammo. It's not fun. You have been the only people in America who have liked Lane for the past year and now you should understand what the rest of us have known all along. And if there are any USC fans reading this, I don't know what to tell you other than the fact that I'm glad I'm not you. What a nightmare hire.

Alex Tyus has the most vile

hairline in all of sports.

I'm not really sure whats going on there but no matter how many times you look in the mirror and and think the headband hides your elevenhead, it doesn't. I usually feel for people with large foreheads because I have a monster one myself, but Alex, that thing rivals the state of Delaware in size. And in case you don't know who Alex Tyus is, he plays basketball for the Florida Gators.

ESPN 3D is going to
be the death of me.

In case you missed it, ESPN announced recently the development of a new network, ESPN 3D. The new network will showcase at least 85 live sporting events during its first year with the first being a World Cup match on June 11. Thanks ESPN, as if I didn't watch ESPN for a large enough percentage of my day you come out with something as incredibly exciting as this. And just FYI, my Avatar glasses didn't work for the picture above so don't try it and feel like an idiot like I just did.

This is awesome.

If this doesn't win video of the year at the 2010 VMAs then I'm not going to watch them ever again. Actually, to be honest with you, I don't think I've watched the VMAs since Will Smith's "Big Willie Style" was fresh on the non-gangster rap scene. But still...

Conan > Leno.

Whoever was involved in the decision to move Jay Leno back to the prime time slot on weeknights on NBC is probably affiliated with the USC coach search committee. I'm not sure Leno has made anyone under the age of 83 laugh this decade. Conan obviously isn't too happy about the decision and let his feelings be known the other night in his monologue where he "bit the hand that feeds him" by poking fun at NBC and taking jabs at Jay Leno himself. Here's a recap and a few videos.