Get Out Of Here!

We have MOVED!

For our brand new, really sweet, much easier to handle, filled with more laughs website...

...check out:

KORKEDBATS.COM
You can click that to go straight to it.

You can officially change your homepage now.

John Clayton Banned From ESPNHD Programming

After numerous complaints from viewers, ESPN and its affiliates have placed a permanent ban on NFL Commentator John Clayton (and his likeness) from all ESPNHD programming, citing in a press release today the increased detail on his "already ridiculously porous, babylike face" as a distraction to viewers, detraction their attention from "whatever pompous statements Clayton is currently spewing."

Since the introduction of HD to ESPN, anchors and correspondents have been forced to up the ante on makeup and physical presentation due to HD's ability to put even the most minor of flaws on full display. ESPN explored several avenues in attempt to keep Clayton on board. ESPN Director of Programming Charles Forsome said in a statement he released earlier today:

"We thought about putting up one of those warnings they place before Japanese Anime cartoons, one of the potential seizure warnings. But we [ESPN Council] agreed that the warning would not be harsh enough... people still wouldn't be ready for what they were about to see."

He continued, "Even James Cameron couldn't CGI that mess."

It is a common thought that much of sports programming benefits in large from HD programming, but the repercussions as they relate to non-athletes was a consequence that "only the architect from the Matrix could have foreseen."

In one letter to ESPN offices relating to Clayton, Billy Cardigan, a young boy of six, asked ESPN "why Benjamin Buttons kept talking about the Dallas Cowboys."

Clayton's fate has not been ignored by other ESPN Commentators, especially those with a similar complexion. After being questioned today, Chris Berman responded, "Whoooop! Wocka Wocka Wocka! Deerrdeeeed!"

ESPN is already planning on the release of ESPN3D this summer, its premier in the 2010 FIFA World Cup. When asked on his thoughts, Forsome responded, "We can only pray that Wayne Rooney, Carlos Tevez and Ronaldinho get knocked out in group play. Those faces weren't meant for more than one dimension."

-Kyle Ayers

Promosexuals

We are so close to launching KorkedBats.com it's not even funny. Not that launching KorkedBats.com is going to be funny. In fact, I'm not even sure what that saying means exactly.

Anyway, in preparation of our big switch (and by big switch, we mean dropping the ".blogspot" from our website), we have produced a couple of low budget (and by low budget, we mean no budget) promos for fun.

Hopefully you enjoy it as we look forward to producing more funny content for you guys in the near future. If you don't enjoy it, then you are probably a bad athlete.

Friday Fun

I'm going to be straight up honest with you. This edition of Friday Fun has absolutely NOTHING to do with sports. Not like that is out of the ordinary. Every Friday we try and provide you with a funny video or two to help you make it through your job, classes, or pilates classes on Fridays.

However, today's video is unlike any other video we have put up on Friday Fun.

I can't lie, this video may possibly be the absolute WEIRDEST video I have ever watched. Me talking about how weird it is does not do it justice.

Imagine Fran Drescher milking a Volkswagen sized koala bear in the middle of a Bed Bath and Beyond going out of business clearance sale. ...Got it?

Yup... this video is still weirder than that.

Enjoy!

(Note: Please watch at least the first minute. It gets good around the :54 mark.)

Random Athlete(s) of the Month - January

I'm going to break the rules a little for this post by naming a group of athletes instead of just one, because let's be honest, it's not like we even name a random athlete each month (we skipped September and December off the top of my head). I don't even know why we call it "of the month" anymore. But we do. We barely even got it posted before the month ended. Anyway, without further ado, let's take a look at January's Korked Bats Random Athlete(s) of the Month:

The 1996 U.S. Olympic
Women's Gymnastics Team

Aptly referred to as the "Magnificent Seven", the '96 U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team won the United States their first ever Gold Medal in Women's Team Competition in the 1996 Atlanta Olympics.

Go Amurrrica!

If you're like me and most other people I knew back in those days, you had your favorite member. Mine was Dominique Dawes. Chip's was Kerry Strug (I'm not sure about this one. I didn't know Chip back then), and Austin's sister's was Dominique Moceanu. While we may disagree on which one was the best, we should all be able to agree on the fact that aside from the most recent Olympics in 2008, 1996 was the only time in our lives where women's gymnastics was not only relevant, but actually enjoyable to follow. Take notes WNBA.

Let's take a nostalgic look back at the seven members of the team that captured the hearts and televisions of millions of people across this great country of ours and check in on what they are up to these days:

Shannon Miller

Arguably the the greatest gymnist the United States has ever produced, Shannon Miller racked up a total of 16 World Championships and Olympic Medals between 1991 and 1996. Interestingly that's almost as much as I had accomplished by the time I turned 19.

Quick Facts

• Born in Missouri
• Accused of infidelity with a married male athlete and divorced in 2006
• Recently founded the Shannon Miller Foundation dedicated to fighting childhood obesity. Unfortunately, Mark Mangino didn't fall below the age limit.
• Currently a lawyer.
  

Dominique Moceanu

Early in her career, Moceanu's hallmarks were daring tricks on the balance beam and spunky, inspired presentations on the floor. She evolved into a more elegant and mature style later in her career. How do I know this? Wikipedia. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Quick Facts

• Born in Hollywood, California
• Sued her parents over earnings (awkward)
  
• Married to a doctor and has 2 kids
• Wrote an autobiography that reached seventh on the NY Times' Best Sellers List
• Probably suffers from chronic headaches
  
• Currently coaches gymnastics (shocker)
  

Dominique Dawes

Considered by many (or just me) to be the Jackie Robinson of gymnastics, Dominique was the first black person of any nationality to win an individual or team gold medal in gymnastics. She won both. Dawes was also the only member of the '96 team to have all eight of her scores count towards the total. She's not only the Jackie Robinson of the sport, she's apparently the Bo Jackson too. The girl does it all!

Quick Facts

• Born in Maryland
• Appeared in Prince's music video "Betcha By Golly Wow" and Missy Elliott's "We Run This". Two of my all time favorites
• Served as President of the Women's Sports Federation from 2004-2006
• Currently a motivational speaker and serves on the Advisory Board of Sesame Workshop's "Healthy Habits for Life". I have no idea what that is but it sounds much too boring to waste time looking up.
• Also models bath towels

Kerri Strug

How could we ever forget the heart and determination of Kerri Strug during the '96 Olympics. After seriously injuring her ankle, Kerri was able to perform the vault with grace helping the U.S. clinch the Gold Medal. Her efforts definitely did not go unrecognized by the country as she became a hero across the land. After her performance in the Olympics, Strug met Bill Clinton (what female didn't in the 90's?), appeared on just about every talk show, made the cover of Sports Illustrated, was mocked on Saturday Night Live, and coolest of all, appeared in a SportsCenter commercial.

Quick Facts

• Born in Arizona
• Worked as an elementary school teacher
• Currently a presidential appointee in the Justice Department's Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. I always thought this guy was in charge of that.
• Sounds like a mouse
• Still loves America
  

Amy Chow

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure Amy Chow hypnotized the entire world in to believing she was supposed to be on the United States team when really she was supposed to be competing for China. Hey, I'll take it. She was so good they named two moves after her, "Chow/Khorkina" & "Chow II". Those are among my favorite moves in all of gymnastics.

Quick Facts

• Born in California (or so she says)
• Oozes with style
  
• An accomplished pianist
• Currently a licensed physician and surgeon
• Other than that she hasn't really been very successful
  

Amanda Borden

I really don't remember this girl being on the team. Therefore I don't feel the need to reminisce about her contributions.



Jaycie Phelps
See "Amanda Borden".

Let Me Be Frank With You...

I want all you readers
to interact more.

The above picture was taken by a Korked Bats follower, Chris, before the Saints/Vikings game on Sunday. I first want to say how jealous I am that he had field passes to a game of that magnitude. Now, obviously his "seats" paled in comparison to mine at the Cross Corner Bar & Grill in Brentwood, Tennessee. You know, the one in between the tanning salon and art gallery? No? Well I'm sorry, but let me just tell you, my seats were legit. Anyway, I was going to write about Brett Favre in this section but realized everyone and their mother has beaten this topic to death worse than [Insert metaphor here. This can be your first interaction with the site!]

Over the past few weeks we have been receiving more comments from our readers and that's fantastic. And yes, even some from people not named Will or spam-bots trying to make us millions by selling an attic full of baseball cards. My bad, that was this guy. Anyway, I know it's kind of annoying that comments don't show up on the actual main page and we're slowly but surely working on changing that, but the more reader input, interaction, ideas, pictures, millions of dollars, ect. that you contribute, the more fun we can have and the more entertaining this site can be.

So if you read a post on this site and all of a sudden something pops into your head like, "Man, my life was exponentially better before reading this garbage Frank just wrote," don't just keep those thoughts to yourself. Share them with everyone! Also feel free to send in any pictures or ideas or anything you wish. We get lonely from time to time here at KB and any input from readers is greatly appreciated.

Note to self: If the caller
I.D. says "Barack Obama",
don't pick up.

First our economy, then the Olympics, now this! I swear, everything President Obama gets involved with implodes faster than Ja Rule's career. After raising over $1.3 million in less than 24 hours for the immediate relief of Haitian victims, the top ranked (not for long) University of Kentucky Basketball team received a phone call from the President thanking them for their efforts and wishing them luck for the rest of the season. Hours later their previously unblemished 19-0 record fell to 19-1. Coincidence? I think not.

You can't just change your
nickname, you Big Baby.

Pun intended. Glen Davis is tired of his nickname "Big Baby" and has announced he no longer desires to be referred to as such. I haven't read the book on nickname rules and guidelines (I've been meaning to pick it up), but I do know nicknames are to be given to you by others and not created and governed by one's self. Unless you're like Chad Ochocinco and legally change it. Anything he does is OK in my book (which I highly recommend, great read). Speaking of Ochocinco, you gotta love the originality of Davis's "new nickname" which I hope never catches on, "Uno Uno". Wonder where you got that idea, Glen?

This is really awkward.

Kobe, stick to what you're best at, this.

AT&T needs a lesson
in prioritization.

Does anyone actually listen to Luke Wilson in his AT&T commercials? Yea, I didn't think so. Well, in an attempt to rebut the Verizon map commercials that advertise the extensive coverage of the Verizon network (you know, a very relevant factor in choosing a cell provider), Luke Wilson argues that Verizon doesn't let you surf the internet on your phone during a phone call. They also manage to act out the only fathomable circumstance where this feature would actually be useful, a friend using you as their "phone a friend" in a game show. Furthermore (for some reason using that word reminded me of 8th grade English class), even if you were to receive such an urgent call, there is no way you could look anything up in the 30 seconds allotted to you. If anyone chose AT&T over Verizon for this feature alone, consider yourself a buffoon.

Television Networks Near ESPN Benefit From Brett Favre Induced Switchover

Though many frequent viewers of ESPN programming are irritated with the absurd abundance of Brett Favre related stories recently displayed, there are those who are, willingly and joyfully, reaping the benefits. Many television networks, particularly those whose numerical channel falls one channel away from that of ESPN, have reported recent spikes in viewers, spikes that coincide directly with the mention of Brett Favre, the Minnesota Vikings, or even the word "ageless."

Michael Prowess, the Programming Director of WGN Local Networking in a few markets, noticed the trend increasing: "We fall one channel below ESPN numerically in a few of our markets. The other night our ratings jumped 5.6 points after ESPN began a story on the Best and Worst of Brett Favre. Apparently, people just want to change the channel when his name comes up. We were airing a Slap Chop infomercial at the time."

Cassandra Robinson, avid sports fan and television enthusiast, said she immediately jumped ship, "[ESPN] mentioned retirement, and even though they were talking about horse racing, I knew where that word was leading the show."

Robinson promptly smashed her Up button on the remote, switching her to FOX Sports HD Networking, which was currently off the air. "I didn't care what it was," she responded, "those colored bars and that eternal ringing were both welcomed by my Brett Favre flooded senses."

Aside from regular programming, ESPN has reported a noticeable decrease in viewership directly following any Wranglers Jeans commercial. When reached for comment, ESPN responded, "Those commercials are timeless, ageless wonders. They keep getting better every year, and we'll continue to show new ones each time they change, no matter how minuscule or worthless the change may seem to the public."

-Kyle Ayers

Korked Bats Look Alikes - Self Arbuckle

kansas jayhawk Head Basketball Coach Bill Self and Garfield owner Jon Arbuckle

Does anyone else see it?!

Popping My Kork

Oh, hey there.

I feel like I should let you know I'm a little nervous. So bear with me. To break the ice, Austin suggested that I make a little introductory post and let y'all know a little bit about myself. I considered just doing a little copy/paste from my eHarmony profile, but I figured that I should maintain some semblance of pseudo-journalistic integrity.

So here it goes...

I'm a recent alumnus of Clemson University (consider yourselves forewarned: the ACC > SEC banter will begin shortly) where I received my bachelors in biology with a minor in breaking hearts. I was working on a Masters, but the workload was seriously infringing on my blogging opportunities. So, wisely, I promptly kicked grad school to the curb and am devoting all of my scholarly efforts to being the most statistically accurate and tongue-in-cheek writer on this site.

I sort of consider my addition to KB analogous to MNF bringing on Dennis Miller. It's ESPN meets The New Yorker and I fully intend to spread every bit of my sardonic and intellectual humor to every corner of the sports world (except baseball... I'm just not a fan).

They say that brevity is the essence of communication. That said, I think I'm going to wrap this up. Let's face it. It hasn't been that funny, anyway. Like eating in a new restaurant, you should avoid it for the first couple of weeks because the service is incompetent and the food is sub-par. Thus, I give you complete permission to skim over my first few posts. But in all seriousness, I'm beyond excited to be writing on here. Expect more to come.


Slack... Out.

More Friday Fun

• It's Friday! Let's have some MORE fun! •

What's better than reading Korked Bats?!

Nothing.

No, we're kidding obviously.

The only thing better than reading Korked Bats is...

...WATCHING Korked Bats!

Finally, we have produced another video for our YouTube page. Now although it's not a video blog like our previous work, it is a promotional video for our site. This is the first of what we want to make on a regular basis, a series of short videos (that we are going to try and make funny) that help promote our site.

Keep in mind that the video says KorkedBats.com. Obviously, you are currently on KorkedBats.blogspot.com. No need to double take, just take our word for it. However, we are currently working on KorkedBats.com and it will be up sooner than you can say Mark Grudzielanek. (For those of you who just said Mark Grudzielanek, obviously we're exagerating a bit.)

So here is the first of, hopefully, a very long series of Korked Bats promotional videos.