College Sucks: Volume 2

Alright college football, you obviously didn't fix your awards, considering Mark Ingram won. Apparently you're taking my advice lightly. I guess we'll just keep rolling.

Number 2: Get Rid of coaches having a vote in ANYTHING

Look, I get it. "Coaches watch more game tape than anyone else. They know players and teams better than anyone because they're living it."

Except I don't get it.

Have you ever actually considered a coaches schedule? I have the feeling that, at 8 a.m. on Saturday before heading to the stadium for a 4 p.m. kick off, remembering to "set my Tivo on Versus to watch that Danario Alexander kid from MU play" probably isn't on the mind of an ACC coach.

I don't think a Big 10 coach is going to stay up until midnight to watch Toby Gerhart play after he's been up all day doing all of that crap that coaches are consumed by on Saturdays. Like coaching 70 college kids on national television while also managing a dozen coaches and bringing in recruits and making speeches while also meeting with the press and trying not break any rules in a NCAA handbook that is thicker than OJ Simpson's criminal record, while also dealing with alumni and the hundreds of other people that he knows through a friend of a friend that are hoping to be hooked up with tickets or a luxury suite or something.

Then, of course, there's the fact that coaches are the biggest proponents of "not caring about individual statistics," right?

So consider this: A coach doesn't exactly get a ton of opportunities to watch teams outside of his conference, and isn't so nearsighted as to consider player statistics. I must be missing something. When, again, do they actually learn about the players they vote on for awards and All-American teams? Oh, that's right. They don't. That's why we have coaches All-American teams that look like this.

You know. Teams that leave off a receiver that had 200 fewer receiving yards over a 5-game stretch to close out the season (Danario Alexander) than the guy who replaced him (Mardy Gilyard) had THE ENTIRE SEASON. Or, to put it another way, Alexander had almost as many yards in the third quarter against Kansas (171) as Gilyard had in his highest yardage game this year (177).

Then there's the whole Colt McCoy being a coaches first team All-American thing.

And that one thing where coaches are too lazy to actually distinguish which offensive and defensive line positions they're voting for.

Ones where there isn't even an honorable mention or 2nd team All-American slot.

And that's just the All-American team. Lest we forget the fact that the coaches poll makes up a part of the formula that decides your BCS standings. You know, the ones that mathematically rank teams to decide their fate.

I should calm down though because, of course, we've seen how careful and meticulous coaches are with their ballots.

So, yeah, I'd consider dropping those guys.

Who Not to Start - Fantasy Week 14

Who Not To Start - Week 14:

"Championships have to be won on their own. It's a rule."

I hate to do it to you guys, but I can no longer be of any assistance to you and your fantasy team for the remainder of the season. As I learned in my football glory days (four days of spring practice at Woodland Middle School), all good things must come to an end. I'm not a rule breaker. As most of you know, its playoff time in most fantasy leagues. And if Christopher Lloyd, a.k.a. Al in "Angels in the Outfield", says "Championships have to be won on their own," then you better believe I ain't about to continue serving as your crutch on a weekly basis.

Luckily for you, if you have been following my advice religiously you probably have secured the top overall seed in your bracket and have all the pieces in place to take home the crown. Congratulations!

For reflection's sake, let's take a look at all of the special "athletes" I have featured in this series from week 1 to 13.

1. Donte Stallworth
2. Barney Gorman
3. Anyone in the Cleveland Browns Secondary
4. The McQuistan Brothers
5. Roseanne
6. Owen Schmitt
7. Nobody (This was an actual post that got mysteriously deleted. Ironic huh?)
8. Larry Johnson
9. JaMarcus Russell
10. The Icebox
11. Edward Cullen
12. Leonard Davis
13. Ethan Albright

Well, that was fun. Good luck to all those who have gained an advantage over your opponents with my help. Please note I will be expecting at least 10% of your winnings.

So what's next from me? In the coming days I am going to introduce a new column called "Let Me be Frank With You...".

Get it? My name is Frank. It's funny. It's a pun. In this series I will tackle the top 5 or so "hot" stories in sports and possibly even my personal life in a highly opinionated, over simplified fashion.

Excited?

No?

I feared that.

Either way, it's coming so get ready! I promise it's going to be as cool as sweatpants with Ugg Boots. As an added bonus, this new series will be written by a new graduate of the University of Tennessee. Woohoo, go me! So they should be a lot smarter and stuff.

The Most Deserving 2009 Heisman Candidates

Well, it's been a fun Korked Bats Heisman Week. It wasn't much different than any other week here on the site, except for the fact that we had a new logo, our Look Alike this week involved the trophy, and well... This post.

I don't know about you guys, but I feel like this college football season has been kinda, for lack of a better term, BLAH! There haven't been a lot of upsets, #1 poll changes, Tebow guarantees, or Heisman standouts.

You all are probably thinking I'm crazy, but honestly did anyone really stand out enough for you to unbiasedly say, "He deserves the Heisman, hands down"?

All I am saying is that it's pretty bad when a defensive tackle is up for the Heisman Trophy.

That's like having Jon Lovitz up for an Oscar for Best Actor.

Don't get me wrong, Suh was absolutely incredible this year, but a defensive tackle being the BEST player in college football just speaks for how lame this college football season was.

I feel like the NCAA is giving the trophy to someone by default... Because we HAVE to give out a Heisman each year.

Well, I say SASSLE FRASS to that!

Korked Bats has conducted a list of who is most deserving of the Heisman Trophy this year. So here they are, Korked Bats' Most Deserving Candidates for the 2009 Heisman Trophy:

iPhone 3GS
This phone is probably the best phone to have ever been made. Heck, it's quite possibly the single greatest piece of technology that has been introduced since the BCS. (Sarcasm.) (Not sarcasm about the iPhone being a great piece of technology, Sarcasm about the BCS being good technology.) (Gosh, I'm awkward.)


Falcon (Balloon Boy)
I like to consider Falcon as the Jahvid Best of this race. At first there was a lot of hot air about him. Then we realized he wasn't as real as we first thought. Then we just as quickly jumped off his bandwagon (or bandballoon) as we did jumping on it. However, at least Jahvid Best didn't "do it all for the show".


Taylor Swift
She gets the invite to New York... And I'm gonna let her finish, but Beyonce Knowles is the best Heisman Candidate of all time! (Wow, we really beat this joke into the ground in '09, didn't we?)


Beyonce Knowles
She gets the invite to New York too... And I'm gonna let her finish, but Susan Boyle is the best Heisman Candidate of all time and the future! (Yup, continuing to beat it in the ground.)


Susan Boyle
The only person in college football who can sing the game's National Anthem and also play linebacker. She sounds like Celine Dion but looks like Tony Siragusa. Complete package. (Pun not intended)


Obama
We already gave him the Nobel Peace Prize for no reason, we might as well give him the Heisman for no reason too. I mean heck, we've seen more footage of him throwing around a pigskin in the front yard of the White House than we have of him fixing our economy. (I know nothing about politics.) He's like the Mark Ingram of the bunch. Obama would only get invited to New York because he is in the White House, whereas Ingram is only getting invited because he is in the SEC. Dion Lewis (Pitt) has better numbers than Mark Ingram. No love.


Captain Chesley Sullenberger
He is the Toby Gerhart of this list. The guy who deserves to win it, but probably won't. Captain Sullenberger is the man responsible for saving the lives of 155 people when he safely landed his plane in the Hudson River last January. Like Gerhart, the guy performed his best when his plane (team) needed him to. Like Gerhart's team rode him to victory, Sully's passengers rode him to survival.


The Dark Knight
Now I know this movie came out in 2008, so consider this candidate the Tim Tebow of the bunch. It was so good last year, that we apparently felt neccessary to include it in this years race.

College Sucks: Volume 1

Hey, you.

Yeah, you. The guy that can't stop effing up. Mr. High and Mighty. Mr. I Refuse To Talk About All The Things Wrong With Me. Yeah, you. The guy that's been messing up for ages, but I'm just now choosing to call you on it. The guy whose transgressions constantly have the U.S. sports scene up in arms. The guy who- several people swear buy- is in bed with several of his constituencies.

No, I'm not talking to you Tiger. Tiger...TIGER! Get out of the way, Tiger, I'm trying to rebuke col- Tiger! You're intruding. Please move- please- please. Ugh. ...Uh oh, Tiger- who's that standing in the corner with a 9-iron? Is that Elin? Uh oh d- oh man she's singing the Swedish death march. YOU BETTER HOOF IT!

Now, I'm just getting started on you, college football.

Look, I'll keep this short. I don't like you. And you, for reasons unknown, apparently hate me.

I don't like how you behave. If oftentimes feels like you're intentionally antagonistic. Like, you find out what it is that everybody wants, then intentionally do the opposite to piss us all off.

In that spirit, allow me an offer: let me be your advice coach. Dump whoever it is that is advising your current decision making (I'm assuming it's probably the same guy that counsels the Michigan State football team) and heed my advice. Over the course of the next few days, I'll be telling you exactly what you can do to better yourself and your perception.

Of course, this won't be close to a comprehensive list. But everyone has to start somewhere.

I won't charge you, just like the cashcow college athletes that make you millions don't- or rather can't- charge you. Alright, I'm sorry. That'll be the last shot I take at you... This paragraph.

So, listen up:

Number 1: Fix Your Awards

Look, I've been to recent Bob Dylan concerts that are more coherent than your awards. Some awards- the Biletnikoff, for one- are voted on in October and handed out in December after, you know, important games happen. Others- the Heisman, to name another- are oftentimes far too heavily weighted on play in the last few weeks.

Then there's just the selections in general. Let's look at a few quarterbacks. We'll call them Grolt and Ceg.

Ceg was the quarterback of an undefeated team that won it's conference championship. On a run-first team, he threw 13 more touchdowns than interceptions. While he didn't post a huge single season yard mark- 2,450 yards- he only threw the ball 314 times. His 7.8 yards/pass attempt ranked him 33rd nationally. Not great numbers, but again, we're talking about a QB on a run-first team that went undefeated. Oh, and for what it's worth, he completed 67% of his passes and posted a 196.54 QB rating- while not turning the ball over- in his team's conference championship game. His team was a five point underdog in that game.

Now let's look at Grolt.

Grolt threw 15 more TDs than interceptions. He threw for over 3,500 yards, but his 7.5 yards/pass attempt, you'll notice, is lower than Ceg's. I should also mention that he did rush for 348 yards and three rushing TDs. His team also went undefeated but needed a field goal as time expired to beat a team that was a two touchdown underdog in his conference championship game. He threw three INTs in that game and zero touchdowns- although he did run one in.

Now, while we're having fun with your flaws, let's mention a few other guys. Both guided their teams to undefeated records. Here are their numbers:

QB 1, we'll call him Allen, posted over 3,300 passing yards -with an impressive 8.48 ypa- and threw 36 more TDs than INTs. That's not a typo. 36. His QB rating was 167.35.

QB 2, we'll call him Kandy, might have only thrown for 2,484 yards, but his 8.9 ypa is the best of the bunch. He threw 17 more TDs than INTs. His QB rating was a solid 159.59. He also ran for 522 yards and 3 TDs.

Grolt was invited to New York as a Heisman Trophy finalist. He won the Davey O'Brien Award for the nation's top QB. He also won something called the Maxwell Trophy and another thing called the Walter Camp Award which- I'm told- honor the nation's BEST PLAYER. Not best quarterback with a southern accent. Not, apparently, the best player to be mentioned on Korked Bats. THE BEST PLAYER IN THE NATION! The nation! He wasn't even the best player on this little list, and he's in contention for the most 'prestigious' awards in your convoluted little world. Does that make sense to you? No? I agree.

If you're lost right now- which wouldn't surprise me given that I always get the sense that you don't REALLY know what's going on in the world around you- Grolt is Texas QB Colt McCoy, Ceg is actually Alabama QB Greg McClroy, Allen is Boise State QB Kellen Moore, and Kandy is TCU QB Andy Dalton. Colt McCoy's own beat writers didn't even vote for him, but somehow he's taking home tons of hardware.

Yuck, right dude? And that's only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Danario Alexander, the nation's leading receiver in yards (who's also second in receptions and 4th in TDs) wasn't even on the Biletnikoff run-off- as in, not on the final list of 10, let alone the final three.

Tim Tebow is a Heisman finalist, again, after having a slightly above average season, again.

AND COLT MCCOY HAS ALREADY TAKEN HOME TWO PLAYER OF THE YEAR AWARDS.

I probably take this stuff too seriously. But seriously, how legitimately would you take me if I only posted on this site once every few months and didn't ever really make anyone laugh? Huh? That's right, you probably wouldn't take me too seriously either.

So there you go.

Start here,
check back in over the next few days,
and we just might fix you yet.

Tiger Woods Jokes Of The Day

I don't know what is messier? My room or Tiger Woods's life. (That was painfully awful. Don't consider that as one of the Tiger Woods Jokes. Keep reading please.) Here are some Tiger Woods jokes to share with your friends to boost you up to be the Jerry Seinfeld of your friends.

Disclaimer: If your friends don't laugh at these jokes, don't blame us. It's your fault for sharing them.

Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

A: Santa stops at 3 ho's.

• • •

When Tiger Woods yells out "FORE!" we now all know what he REALLY means.

• • •

Q: What pickup line does Tiger Woods use when meeting women?

A: Hi, I'm Tiger Woods.

• • •

Q: Why did Tiger Woods crash into both a tree and a fire hydrant?

A: He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

• • •

Q: What is the difference between a car and a golf ball?

A: Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

• • •

Q: What was Elin doing at 2:30 am on the night of Thanksgiving?

A: Clubbing.

• • •

Q: Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin the other day?

A: To get tips on how to beat Tiger.

Google Is So Trendy

Whether you think he is the greatest thing that ever happened to college football or the most amazing leader of our time or eve the second coming of Jesus Christ... I am sorry (happy) to tell you that Tim Tebow has officially fallen from grace.

I was going to write an entire topic on how awesome it was to see the big baby cry, but my research led me to another topic. When I typed Tim Tebow into Google, it gave me the option: "Tim Tebow Crying." I laughed at this and then went to Google Trends to find that after only 3 days, the #6 most searched topic is, in fact, "Tim Tebow Crying."

(1st Side note: #1-5 all deal with Tiger Woods and his FOUR mistresses)
(2nd Side Note: #10 is Bryant Gumbel... WHAT?!?)

Since Google likes to give us all of these Search Suggestions, I decided to show our loyal readers some of the other things that our favorite athletes do that Google thinks we should look at:

Peyton Manning
Related Searches:
Peyton Manning Winning
Peyton Manning's Brother
Peyton Manning Appearing on Every Commercial on Sundays

Allen Iverson
Related Searches:
Allen Iverson The Answer
Allen Iverson Practice
What Team is Allen Iverson on this Week

Charlie Weis
Related Searches:
Charlie Weis Choke Artist
Charlie Weis = Winner (HAHA)
Charlie Weis vs. Mark Mangino for the Fattest/Worst Coach of the Year

Toby Gerhart
Related Searches:
Toby Gerhart Underrated
Toby Gerhart MLB Draft
I don't know who Toby Gerhart or Mark Ingram or Colt McCoy are because Tim Tebow is so much better than everything else in the whole world (Mostly searched by ESPN Analysts)

Lane Kiffin
Related Searches:
Lane Kiffin's Wife
Lane Kiffin-Urban Meyer Fight
Lane Kiffin's Great Judgment of Character

Korked Bats
Related Searches:
Korked Bats is so Flipping Awesome
Scary Black Men
A-Huff is so Flipping Awesome (Mostly Searched by Austin)


The only reason I threw the Scary Black Men reference in is because I searched Google for "Korked Bats" and that was one of the first images on the list. Looks like we are heading in the right direction, guys. Go Team!

Korked Bats Look Alikes - Danario Heisman

University of Missouri Wide Receiver Danario Alexander and The Heisman Trophy

Does anyone else see it?!

Tim Tearbow

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo Who?

Just let me in already, Tim Tebow!

It has been proven last Saturday that even Superman cries. But don't worry, Tim. Plenty of people cry. Here are a few examples of when:

After Winning (Sorry, Tim.)


After Being Sentenced To Prison


At Their Sister's Wedding


Getting Beat By The Giants


While Apologizing To Their Sorority Sisters

While Being A Buckeye Fan


After Getting Poked In The Eye


After Getting Whacked In The Leg


After Retiring


After Retiring Again


After Interacting With Kanye


While Watching The Notebook

But don't worry, Tim, I'm sure we could add "Losing The SEC Championship Game With A Chance To Go To The National Championship And Playing Poorly Two Days Before Heisman Ballots Are Due In Your Senior Year Of College" to the list. So you're tears are justified...

...kinda.

College Is Nothing But Artests and Quizzes

If you are a college student,
then you just found yourself a new favorite athlete.

• • •

Meet Ron Artest.

You can call him Ron Ron (because we know that you college students are in to nicknames).

We all know that Ron Ron likes to fight.

We all know that Ron Ron doesn't like commitment. (Sorry, chicks.)

And now, thanks to the newest issue of The Sporting News (to hit newsstands tomorrow) we know that Ron Ron likes to PARTY!

But not only that, Ron Ron likes to party during games.

In an interview with The Sporting News, Ron Ron openly admitted to drinking in the locker room.

"I used to drink Hennessy ... at halftime."
"I [kept it] in my locker. I'd just walk to the liquor store and get it."

At first read, this may sound surprising. But once you think about it, it all starts to make sense.

Think about it. What happens to people when they drink?

• They get very possessive.
  
• They make stupid decisions that they often times regret. (Or at least should.)
• They want to fight. Always. It doesn't matter who or what.
• They sometimes put on sluttier clothes.
• Or sometimes they just take off their shirt all together.
• They a lot of times turn gay and try to kiss other dudes.

It all makes sense now.

In the article, Artest has admitted his wild ways and has claimed to tone it down recently. However he did say that he still likes to "party and I have fun."

My name is Ron. And I like to party.

So whether or not you are in the market for a new favorite athlete and you are in college, Ron Artest is your new favorite athlete.

"When I was a 19-year-old father, whew. I was a single pimp! I was wild," he told SN. "A lot of marijuana and alcohol -- even before [that age]. ... I [still] party and I have fun, but not like I used to. I used to drink every night and party every night."

Ron Artest is quite possibly the definition of COLLEGE!

Who Not to Start - Fantasy Week 13

Who Not To Start - Week 13:

Ethan Albright

Really all I needed to do to convince you not to start Ethan Albright is post the above picture. He's an awkward looking ginger who looks better suited as a shift manager at Walgreens than an NFL player. I could go on and on with random facts supporting my argument against including Ethan in your lineup this week but honestly, I've got better things to do this afternoon such as watch the National Championship SEC Championship Game and celebrate Kentucky's big win over the defending national champions (please click that). 8-0 baby! Thank you this guy:

Irrelevant? Yes. Back to the topic at hand, Ethan Albright's terribleness. Not only is he bad, he is actually the worst player in the NFL. According to Madden 10, he is indeed the worst player as made clear by his overall rating of 53, the lowest in the game. Enough talk. Lets look at some more pictures of Ethan!

Wow, those were epic. So, he's a clown of a human, plays for the Redskins, is a long snapper, the worst player in the NFL, and is a Carolina fan apparently. All very valid reasons to never consider starting him. That's all I have.