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Monday, August 31, 2009

Korked Bats Look Alikes

ESPN NFL Draft Analyst Mel Kiper Jr. and Amy Fisher Lover Joey Buttafuoco.

Does anyone else see it?!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Twack Tweinke

You don't have to read this if you don't want to. I mean, I'd really, really like you to. Really, really bad, but the main reason I'm posting this is because when you root for the Royals, you have to suck every last bit of joy you're given, because said moments are always very few and very far between.

So, when I see Zack Greinke have a year like the one he's currently having, and any baseball writer/ex-player/analyst over the age of 45 immediately writes him off as a Cy Young candidate because he's only won 13 games, I get pretty charged (or in the case of this post, unfunny).

I don't need to lecture anyone on how misleading the "win-loss" statistic is, but I feel like getting this off of my chest at least makes me feel like I'm doing my part to get the Cy Young to the right guy (barring some sort of ridiculously historic charge by another candidate/a collapse by Greinke), even if it ultimately does nothing.

So let me clear my own conscience. By doing it now, I won't spend a ton of time on it on our radio show next Saturday. So there's that.

A few sports writers have already offered their thoughts on Greinke's season/Cy Young candidacy this week (here, here, here, and here), and I've got my own take.

So tonight I did a Tweet series (@jaredlaunius) that pitted Greinke up against his "competition" for the Cy Young to show how preposterous it is to consider anyone else (up to this point in the season) a better candidate than Greinke.

Keep in mind that I didn't even get into defense (the worst defense in the AL based on essentially every defensive measure) and bullpen (worst bullpen ERA in the AL). The reason for that is that Greinke is among the league leaders in every starting pitcher statistic with the worst defense and bullpen in the league behind him. Even when you ignore those two things, he's still statistically been the best overall pitcher in the AL this year.

So here's my best argument for Greinke in 140 characters or less:
Starting a series of tweets for my 18 followers titled: "Debunking Every Cy Young Candidate Except Zack Greinke." Enjoy.

Start with Verlander: 4 of his 15 wins came in games that he gave up at least 4 runs. Greinke is 0-6 in such starts.

Other than W-L and strikeouts, you will find no other peripheral stat that Verlander has bested Greinke in. Verlander's out.

Sabathia- The Yanks score 5.6 rpg in his starts. Greinke? 3.6 rpg from Yuni and company. Greinke has more Ks, IP/start, WHIP, etc.

Sorry CC, don't eat your feelings.

Another interruption. Planet Earth. Is back. Boom.

Interrupt update for this: Dave Winfield- "Peter [Gammons] thought [Greinke] was a Cy Young candidate early in the season." Suck it.

Next victim: Beckett. Gives up a run and a half more per per 9 IP. 39 fewer Ks. 15 fewer IP (albeit in one less start) 22 (!!) home runs.

Take your 3.80 ERA and think about next year Becks.

Feldman (Tex)- sample size too small. Numbers (other than misleading win total) unimpressive. No thanks.

Halladay- Only bests Greinke in IP/start and BB stats. Good campaign, though, probably 3rd best candidate.

But, Halladay has struggled of late, and hasn't been as impressive across the board as Greinke & King Felix. Sorry Doc.

Edwin Jackson- better than Greinke in NO statistical measure that I could find. Sry.

Nathan and Rivera- anyone that only throws when their team is leading in 9th inning and only throws 70 innings is null and void.

More on Nathan and Rivera- current stereotyped role of "closer" makes in nearly impossible to win Cy. Role not as relevant as past. Sorry.

Brings us to Felix Hernandez. ERA+ (stat that adjusts ERA based on ballpark, schedule, etc.) Greinke: 180; Hernandez: 157- advantage Greinke

Greinke also has lower WHIP, ERA; more Ks, IP, CG and shutouts; fewer home runs & walks; lower BA against; better K/BB ratio- you name it.

Please SOMEONE make an argument for another pitcher. If only hard-headed, win-centric, old baseball writers were following me on Twitter.

Final thought on Greinke- if he puts up the numbers he's currently paced for, and doesn't win the Cy, its legitimacy needs be questioned.
If you made it all the way down here, feel free to leave a comment and I'll shout out to you in the radio show on Saturday.

Oh, and here's a picture of Greinke's wife, (former Cowboys cheerleader) for all of you who made it to the bottom.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Korked Bats Radio - FAQs

As you may recall, a few members of the KB staff have been in the process of applying for a sports radio show on Mizzou's student-run radio station, 88.1 KCOU.

As you may not recall, we got that show.

You might not recall that because we have yet to tell you since we just found out late yesterday afternoon.

Here's the DL: Carlos Beltran, David Wright, Johan Santana, Carlos Delgado, and Jose Reyes.

Sorry, that's the Mets' DL.

And here's our Down Low on our show: we will have a show from 12 to 2 PM on Saturday afternoons.

On Mizzou home football game Saturdays, we will broadcast our show live from the Farout Field parking lot in KCOU's giant orange tent. This show will primarily be the college football based tailgate show.

We're going to do plenty of college football talk, naturally, but it won't exclusively be that. We've already made a giant list of guests we'll be pursuing.

Austin is single.


The content of our show will be Midwest-centric, so for those of you that read our blog because we try to cover national stories and not just local ones, go cry about it. Just kidding. But we'll mainly focus on Mizzou sports, KC/St. Louis/Chicago pro teams, large national stories, and Zack Greinke. Just kidding again. Sort of.

I've decided to include a FAQ section in this post to answer questions and concerns you guys are likely to have. Here you go:

  • Will the show continue after football season? Great question! Glad you asked. The answer is YES! We obviously won't broadcast from the stadium after the season ends, but we should maintain the show through Christmas break and into the Spring Semester.
  • Will you still be friends with me now that you're all 'big time?' The short answer is 'no.' I don't have time for the long answer. Now make me coffee.
  • Is it true that Austin has a tattoo of a red, white and blue eagle across his chest? Oh he has the tattoo, but it's not on his chest.
  • What's the worst movie sequel of all time? Easy, 102 Dalmations.
  • Who will you have as guests? We've brainstormed a ton of people that we're going to pursue, some more realistic (our friend and fellow Korked Bat author, Kyle) than others (anyone else). Just kidding. I hope. But we've talked about current student athletes and coaches, former Mizzou athletes, local sports writers, Val Venis, etc.
  • Will I be able to listen to your show even if I am out of the Mid-Missouri market? YEPPERZ! You can catch the shows live on the stations website and, barring any setbacks, we should be able to post our shows as podcasts in case you guys can't catch them live. Nothing is chiseled in stone, but our school mascot isn't the Fightin' Irish for nothing! Right? Yeah!!
  • Will I be able to get involved in the show? Of course you can! We're still working on panning out some ideas, but we're definitely going to involve our readers somehow. We might use Twitter. We might use the comment section on the blog. We might even let you take Austin out on a date. The bottom line, though, is that we want to use your thoughts and ideas on our radio show.
  • Do I have a gambling problem? Only you can answer that question. No one can answer for you. Be strong. People, including us, care about you. In the meantime, over/under 8 wins for the Chicago Bears this year? I'll give you good odds...
  • Which one of you guys is the fat one? Austin and Jared: (at the same time, pointing at each other) "He is!"
  • Alright, seriously, will it be good? We're going to do our best. Seriously.
Once again, thank you all so much to those who commented on our previous post. We definitely could not have gotten this show without ya'll's help. We will do our best and try to continue to bring you sports news in the most entertaining way possible.


Friday, August 28, 2009

Late Friday Fun

• It's still Friday! Let's have some fun! •

I wanted to share this video with anyone who cares to watch it. It's a video in a series I am starting to help students survive college. In each video I give my advice on various college topics.

This first video is the infamous "How Was Your Summer?" question and "Walking On Campus".

I know this has nothing to do with sports, but heck, it's Friday! RELAX!

Friday Fun

• It's Friday! Let's have some fun! •

For everyone who just woke up from a coma today, it's Friday.

A day for skipping class, goofing off at work, and enjoying the ABC TGIF lineup of Step By Step, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Boy Meets World, and Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place.

And now, the new Friday Fad is checking out Korked Bats for some funny sports videos!

If you stumble upon any funny sports related videos, e-mail the link our way and we'll put them up for our Friday Fun series.

Our e-mail is:

Enough talking today, enjoy these funny athlete interviews:

Shawn Johnson

Tony Hawk

Matt Ryan

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Glass Management, LOL

A few weeks ago, my roommates and I sat down to watch First Kid. Save the jokes. I highly recommend watching a movie from your childhood any time you get the chance. Anyway, during a scene in which Luke Davenport (the president's son) is talking to a "Hot 21-year old girl" on the internet (actually his old secret service agent who somehow fell into a downward spiral after he was relieved of his duties), Luke uses- what I tend to think, at least- the term (or abbreviation, or meme, or whatever) LOL for the first time in cinema history. No joke.

Now, if you'll allow me to do some juxtaposing here, I'll take this somewhere.

  • First Kid was released in August of 1996. Based on what I know about film (very little), that means that the movie was completed somewhere around late 1995/early 1996.
    Figure in the fact that the film was shot in some actual high security places in Washington D.C. (which would've slowed down the filming process), I would wager that filming started in early/mid 1995.

  • Using that, it would be my guess that the script was written in early 1994 (when you figure in casting, contracting, Sinbad's ego, etc.).

  • Now, it's my guess that by the time the screenwriter was writing that scene, LOL had to be prominent enough for him to include it in a film, but not so popular that it's use would be cheesy, so I'm going to go ahead and date the creation of "LOL" as a conversation piece around 1992.

  • Conveniently, that was the same year that Brett Favre burst onto the scene in his second year in the NFL.
In our society- especially America's- we're always talking about windows. Everyone- and everything- is given a window of time to be at the top, and when their window closes, they'd better hot foot it. Fast.

Take "LOL," for example. It started in the early-to-mid 90's, peaked with the IM and texting boom in the early-to-mid 2K's, and closed when T9 became highly prevalent and keyboard texting on BlackBerries and iPhones made typing out texts far easier and faster. Now, it's like the awkward cousin who was fun to hang out with when he was in his 20's, but hasn't aged well, and now you sort of cringe when he's around. My freaking dad used it in an email to me last year... as if I needed any more conviction that it had far surpassed its window.

The "window" meme is also especially prevalent in sports.

The window for the Wildcat offense in the NFL just opened up in 2008, and I don't anticipate it lasting very long. Anyone that continues to force its use once the window closes will be lauded for an inability to adapt.

The window for shaky-passing, but oober athletic/mobile quarterbacks getting drafted high in the first round spanned from 1999-2006. (Note: I don't count JaMarcus Russell as "shaky-passing"- that guy has a cannon for an arm. He's just lazy and is yet to have a good coach in the NFL.) That's why a guy like Pat White, who is only the first quarterback in FBS history to win four bowl games- oh and the FBS record holder for rush yards by a quarterback- slipped all the way to 44th overall to the Miami Dolphins and probably will never see a snap as an NFL quarterback. But Akili Smith went 3rd overall in 1999.

The international basketball players window burst open when Dirk Nowitzki went 9th overall in 1998, and watched its window close with a quickness when Andrea Bargnani was taken first overall in 2006. That's why there were three international players taken in the lottery in 2006 alone, and three non-American-college international players taken in the last three years combined. Ricky Rubio was considered arguably the best international prospect EVER this year, and he fell all the way to fifth overall.

Players go through their windows too.

We heard it time and time again in the NBA Playoffs the last two years: "The window is quickly closing on Kobe Bryant's championship aspirations."

The thing about your window- and this is the difficult part- is that you're not supposed to choose when it opens, and when it closes. Sure, you can do things to keep it propped open (see "O'Neal, Shaquille"), but you can also do things to prematurely slam it shut.

That brings us to Brett Favre.

I'm judging by the fact that you're reading this, that you are alive, and therefore you inherently hate Brett Favre right now. I don't need to chronicle the Brett Favre saga for you. The mothership has done plenty of it. I don't need to tell you my opinion on whether or not I think he'll do well this year, whether or not it was a good idea to stay retired, or whether or not I think the Vikings improved the quality of their squad by signing Favre. That's all treaded ground. You've gotten enough of that. I wouldn't be telling you anything you haven't already had pounded down your throat via Skip Bayless, and washed down by every other American with a column, blog, radio show, or TV show.

But I can tell you why you hate him.

Before I do, I have to point out a fickle discrepancy that the sports public- myself included- uses. The way we view the end of your career depends on one question: did we close your window- allowing you to leave peaceably, or did you close your own window? That one question makes a world of difference.

Brett Favre's most egregious offense to the American public hasn't been the constant limbo. Plenty of people have done that to a certain extent (For example, Strahan did it his last few years, even though it was to a lesser extent.) It's that he closed his own window, then tried to force it back open.

He did in 2008 when he retired. He did it officially. He cried. He couldn't take the grind anymore. He'd miss it, but he had to close his window.

The funny thing about America is that there is no re-opening your window when you close it yourself.

We were starting to close his window for going into the 2007 season. We loved Brett, but we were ready to part ways with him. He hadn't been himself for two years, he was 37, and we did the natural thing- we began to close his window for him. It was necessary, and the right time. It was on our terms, it was peaceful.

Then he showed us what happens when we- not you- but we close your window for you. You can actually reopen it that way.

He burst it back open with a vintage Favre season in 2007. Remember? Admit it, you loved Brett Favre again in 2007. I couldn't tell you how many people said something to the effect of "I'd forgotten how much I'd loved Brett Favre until this year. He plays with such a boyish love for the game. He's so competitive. I love him" to me. You loved him two years ago. You forgave his coming back/not coming back waffling from the past few summers. You loved him. Admit it- it's OK. I did too.

So we reopened his window for him.

But then he made that mistake. He closed it himself.

You know the rest of the story. Two retirements and two new teams later, Favre is a pariah. We've made fun of him on this blog. So has the rest of the world.

Now he's outside of his closed window, screaming at us. We can't help but hear him. We don't want to, we hate his style, but we have to deal with him. He's too loud for us not to.

Just like "LOL," his window opened in the early 90's and closed in the latter 2Ks.

"Now if he would just go away," I said, laughing out loud.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

ESPN Has A Tebow Ner

College football is almost upon us.

If you haven't picked up on this realization, then you are either un-American, or have been living under a rock... Or both.

All you have to do is turn your TV to ESPN.

Or log onto

And you'll hear all about the upcoming college football season.

Well... All about Tim Tebow...

But that's all college football is? Right, ESPN?

However, you can't fully blame them for talking ALL THAT IS TEBOW 8 days a week. Tim Tebow was definitely the best all around player in college football last season (not the best quarterback, but that's another topic for another day) and he probably had the single biggest impact that any player had on their team last season.

The problem is, when I watch ESPN: The Gainseville Leader In Sports... errr, The Worldwide Leader In Sports, I would like to gain knowledge on everything in college football. Not just Tebow's photoshoot for GQ. (We'll leave the sexy pictures... no homo... to the rookie NFL quarterbacks.)

Whenever I see "College Football Preview" on the Sportscenter rundown menu, I get excited.

...Only to be let down shortly after watching it, realizing an ESPN College Football Insider just wasted two and half minutes of my time talking about Tebow's latest dentist appointment.

Honestly, the only things we have heard about from the SEC Conference this summer has been about 2% Kiffin and 171% Tebow. They cover Tebow so much, it's mathmatically inaccurate.

All I'm saying is I would like to see some sparsity.

I love college football just as much, if not MORE, than the next guy. I want to know about all quarterbacks, all teams, and all conferences. Except the MAC. Talking about that conference would put me to sleep faster than one of those noise machines that produce noises of waves crashing, a gentle stream, rain, and a heartbeat. Although, the heartbeat one doesn't help me fall asleep. That one actually creeps me out to the point where it keeps me awake in fear of Freddy Krueger.

We're spending so much time on a guy who will probably be the next Eric Crouch. No offense, Eric.

Hopefully, this is just another flavor of the week for ESPN. You may recall some of their previous flings with Brett Favre, Michael Vick, Manny Ramirez, Mark Sanchez (post NFL Draft), Tyler Hansbrough (pre NBA Draft), and Barack Obama (for his take on any big sports news, even though we could care less). Their relationship with Obama is one of those where although they are dating someone else, they always recall back to Obama to mess around with because they know they could get away with it.

It's like if your girlfriend was hooking up with one of the Jonas brothers. You would totally let it happen just for the sake of you saying that your girl is swappin' spit with a Jonas. Meanwhile, your girlfriend continues to hook up everytime they are on tour within a 100 mile radius of your town.

Where was I, again?

Everyone at ESPN finds a dominant personality and bases every show on their network to that one figure. Except maybe Bob Ley.

He continues to talk about inspiring stories on Outside The Lines that have little to know importance or relevance, but yet his stories still find ways to get your eyes to start sweating.

Long story short, ESPN, let's just tone it down a notch with the TMZ updates on Tim Tebow.

Stop wearing sweatpants, ESPN.
Your Tebow Ner is showing.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

KBVB - The Mystery of the Mustache

There is nothing else in the world that brings dignity and respect quicker to a persona than a good mustache.

Nothing else needs to be said.

So from here, just watch this video. It pays credit to where credit is due...

...the upper lip hair.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Random Athlete of the Month - August

The random athlete of the month for August is:

Caster Semenya

For months here at Korked Bats, we've had this ongoing series known as the "Random Athlete of the Month" where we pull an obscure figure out of the depths of our memory banks and refresh our readers' minds on how important/not important that person has been in the sports world. From Delino DeShields to Diamond Dallas Page the theme has been trying to find a name we haven't heard in quite a while and to make us all say, "Ahhh, I remember him!"

Not this month.

I've decided to take a different approach and select Caster Semenya as the official Random Athlete of August 2009. Why, you ask? Because he/she (we'll get to that in a second) is probably going through a difficult time right now. You may wonder why someone who was just named South Africa's teenage 800m champion would be the subject of my sympathy, but here's why:

They are performing chromosome tests to determine if she really is a "she".

Read that last sentence again. Are you serious? This CAN'T end well. Either we've caught a transvestite trying to jeopardize the integrity of the great sport of South African teenage running (talk about a world changer), or even worse, someone has to tell this poor girl:

"Oh, sorry. Yea, we just thought that...ummm, well....we all decided that you look exactly like a..oh gosh, how do I put this...a man. You look like a man so we felt it necessary to test you for that. But no worries, you aren't. Sorry for the misinterpretation of your physical makeup. Here, take this Christina Aguilera single as a token of our apology."

We've all seen people like this. Usually working behind the counter of a Wendy's or something. People you wouldn't bet a dollar either way because you just have no idea what they are. They even made a movie about this socially awkward situation. But even in the movie people are afraid to let the subject in question know that their gender is undetermined by the rest of the world.

Let me just say this. I really hope "she" turns out to be a man because if not, it's safe to say her self esteem is about as low as the Cowboy's new $40 million scoreboard.

If there is anything positive to come out of the situation (besides the results) it is the following two quotes from Caster's father:
"I knew she was different to the others and even now if you speak to her on the telephone you might mistake her for a man. But I used to change her nappy and I know she's a woman. What better proof do people need?"

"I don't know what a chromosome is."
I didn't make those up.

So let's make the most out of this situation and turn this into a game. Leave a comment on what you think the gender is. And if you say male and end up being wrong I hope you find it difficult to sleep, you heartless buffoon.

Here are a few more pictures to aid you in your decision:

Ok, yea that's a guy.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Farve from Done

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me three times, SCREW YOU BRETT!

Ok, so this has obviously been a busy week. I moved back to school earlier this week, I did some yardwork for my mom, Y.E. Yang beat Tiger Woods in the PGA Championship, I went to some freshman bar-b-ques around campus for some free food, Plaxico is going to jail, Brett Favre unretired again, I went to WalMart, I lost two games of ping pong, and...


Brett Favre unretired again? Are you serious?

I'm not going to lie, I was writing a really funny post recapping Tiger getting upset at the PGA Chmpionship when I heard this news. I was going to call the post, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"...

...Ok, I never really actually started writing the post. In fact, the only idea I had for it was the title. But still... Brett Favre is back? What the heck?!

This guys wrote the book on "How NOT To Retire"

What is his deal?! Whenever his name is brought up, I keep thinking of Steve Buschemi from Armageddon, "We're staying, we're going, we're staying, we're going! Make up your mind!"

On a side note, did anyone see the mothership's coverage of Brett's return. The four letter station bought a freakin' helicopter to follow the car he was riding in to and from the airport.

Brett got more coverage than the president!

No... Wait... Nevermind. Obama still gets more facetime on ESPN than Brett. Of course, next March after Brett retires for the off season (again), they will probably ask him for his March Madness Bracket and probably find it necessary to fill us in every single day with the results. As if we care.

Brett's getting more media attention than Jon and Kate, Ocotomom, and Willie Beaman combined!

He's like Jason Voorhees. He just won't die (figuratively speaking, of course).

Right when you think the series is over and Jason is dead, they come out with another Friday the 13th movie with some ridiculous plot of how Jason had been resurrected.

Sound familiar?

Right when you think his career is over and Brett is retired for good, he comes out and says he still wants to play.

He has flip-flopped more times than John Kerry in the 2004 election.

However, with the return of Favre, this begs the question, will John Madden make a return too? that he has something to work for.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Korked Bats Look Alikes - Whoopi Peterson

Chicago Bears Running Back Adrian Peterson and The View's Whoopi Goldberg.

Does anyone else see it?!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Cardinal John

John Smoltz joined the St. Louis Cardinals today. However, his role with the team, according to, may surprise you...

What?! You've got to be kidding me. Future Hall of Famer John Smoltz will either start or pitch in relief for the Red Birds?!

Now that is in-depth insight! I mean, come on! After reading this article, I am still left wondering what Smoltz's role will be? What the heck else can a pitcher do?! A pitcher can only be a starter or a reliever.

That's like saying when watching an episode of Boy Meets World, Topanga will either be fat or hot.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Help Us Get A Radio Show!

Hello friends. Best, bestie friends. Hello all you lovely, best friend readers.

We aren't going to use today to make you guys listen to more crap about Brett Favre. No, we care about you way more than that. SOOO much more than that. No, you guys are our friends, and we don't make our friends suffer.

Speaking of friendship...

So Austin Huff, the founder, heart and soul, and largest contributor to your favorite sports blog that nobody reads and myself are currently going through the application process to earn our own sports talk radio show on the student-run radio station on Mizzou's campus, 88.1 KCOU FM.

Austin and I have hopes of someday of doing this sports journalism thing for the big (er, little) bucks. And Kyle just loves being funny. Our first love is the domain you are currently at, But we're looking to branch out.

It's not going to be easy though. There are really only 4 "sports talk radio" slots available, and I'm guesstimating about 50 people (at least) are vying for those four time slots.

That's where you all, our biggest pals, come in. Austin, Kyle, and I are going to include a link to this website on our application. What we'd like for you all to do is have some comments waiting for the powers that be when they come look at our website.

So allow us to ask this: leave a comment on this post as to why you guys think we deserve a radio show. What sets us apart? What has reading our posts taught you guys about us as sports personalities? How the movie Titanic has impacted our lives even in the sports world? In short, help us tell the people evaluating our application why we are better candidates than the others we are competing with for a time slot.

You might be wondering what's in it for you. Well, if you need incentive other than the age-old-nice-tickly feeling you get in your stomach when you experience people helping people, we're also hoping to involve our readers in our show somehow. We may read comments on our show, let you guys pick the story we lead with, etc., so there's that too. Just trust us... You will reap benefits!

You guys are the best. Thanks for reading!

Our best, bestie friends.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Vince Young's Career To-Do List

In a recent interview with Esquire magazine, Tennessee Titans Quarterback Vince Young made some guarantees that many fans and media persons find will be hard for the former Pro Bowler to accomplish. However, Vince didn't tell Esquire ALL of the things on his career to-do list:

Be the next black quarterback to win the Super Bowl

Be elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame

Retake the Wonderlic Test and get better than a 6 (out of 50)

Polish National Championship ring

Keep shirt on at parties

Go to a parties that girls will actually be at

See the newest Harry Potter movie

Deny any other offers to be on the cover of Madden again

Streak across University of Texas campus

Then streak down 6th Street in Austin, TX

Then streak to party that no girls will be at

Learn to wear helmet properly

Forget how to wear helmet properly

Polish National Championship ring again

Maintain second string quarterback job

Be the next black quarterback to at least START for Titans

Be the next black quarterback in outer space

Be the next black quarterback to win an Oscar

Be the next black quarterback to be a white quarterback

Work out

Check and see if National Championship ring needs polishing

Polish National Championship ring

Build a time machine, go back to start of 2008 season, don't get injured in Jaguars game, lead Titans to a 10-6 record, barely make playoffs and lose a close game in the first round. Maintain starting role for 2009 season, never make guarantees in Esquire magazine, which means this Korked Bats post never gets written...

With said time machine, go back to November 5th, 1955. Stop Biff from recieving Gray's Sports Almanac from future Biff. Help the McFlys kiss at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and get back to the present in time to take Jennifer on a camping trip in the mountains in your sweet new Toyota 4x4 Pickup Truck!

Realize hoverboards don't work on water... Unless you have power.

Purchase newest copy of Esquire Magazine

Read the article about yourself while polishing National Championship Ring

Best of luck Vince, with ALL of your career goals!