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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Huff n' Fluff - September 30th, 2009

This is a new recurring post that I would like to bring to Korked Bats. It's called Huff n' Fluff (the name may change because its kinda gay) and in it I will take recent sports news and just make some jokes about each one.

So without wasting any more time, let's bring on the Fluff...

• • •

The WNBA season is about over and they are in their Finals. You guys probably care more about when the next World of Warcraft Lan Party is, but just keep reading.

Last night was Game 1 of the WNBA Finals with the Indiana Fever beating the Pheonix Mercury. It was actually the highest scoring game in WNBA History, 120-116.

What did the girls do after the big win?

They went home and made their husbands dinner.

• • •

The Eagles signed linebacker Jeremiah Trotter yesterday. You guys remember Jeremiah Trotter don't you? He hasn't played since 2007 and is making his third stint with the team.

The Eagles announced that they only signed the aging veteran to bring more publicity to the team by starting a reality show called, "Welcome Back Trotter".

If you don't think that's funny, then "Up your nose with a rubba' hose!"

• • •

That last joke was a Welcome Back Kotter reference. Just F.Y.I.

• • •

Don't get down about losing your job, Jeff. I heard Bod Man Fragrance Sprays are looking for some guys for their new commercials.

Yesterday the Eagles also released veteran quarterback Jeff Garcia. The same Jeff Garcia that they signed two weeks ago.

It's alright Jeff... Your stint with with the Eagles lasted longer than most of my relationships with girls.

And probably longer than Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odoms marriage. So hold your head up high.

Plus, this gives Jeff a chance to get with more NFL teams than Jessica Simpson.

• • •

Tim Tebow? More like Tim Teblow To The Head!

or the Tim Teblow Heard 'Round The World!

In my eyes (and probably the eyes of every other SEC team), Kentucky won that game. ESPN about crapped their pants when Tebow went out. Any season ending injury for Tebow means hours worth of material that they need to find to fill time on their station with.

However, last Saturday's game revealed the question that the only Kryptonite left on Earth lies in Kentucky's two star Caucasian redshirt freshman, Taylor Wyndham.

Side Note: Does Kentucky ALWAYS run the Wildcat Offense?

• • •

The Browns announced today that they are switching starting quarterbacks.

Brady Quinn is now benched and Derek Anderson will start Sunday against the Cincinnati Bengals.

Get excited Browns fans! Your offense just went from sucking big time to just sucking.

• • •

That's it for the first edition of Huff n' Fluff. If you have any jokes or comments about any of todays news topics or any other news topics from around the sports world, share them below in the comments section. We would love to hear from you and we may use some of your material here on the site.

Also, we are looking for ideas of better names for these Huff n' Fluff posts.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Korked Bats Look Alikes - Al Krueger

Oakland Raiders Owner Al Davis and Nightmare Terror Freddy Krueger

Does anyone else see it?!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Make It A Blockbuster Night (of FOOTBALL!)

Earlier this month Blockbuster's Online Blog released the Top Ten Football Movies of All Time. Korked Bats has seen this list, looked over it, watched many of the movies on said list and would like to give our take on the list. Blockbuster provided a very respectable list, but we would like to add a few to the list.

So first off, is Blockbuster's list of the 10 Greatest Football Movies of All Time. Below each title is the Korked Bats take on the film. For Blockbuster's opinion and reasoning of ranking for each movie, check out their blog post here.

Blockbuster's Top Ten
Football Movies Of All Time

10. The Program
This movie brings back all the nostalgia of classic mid 90s college football... and steroids. "Make sure you tell Lattimer that the NCAA will be testing on Saturday"

9. Any Given Sunday
Oliver Stone brings you his unique perspective on professional football. A great film with a not so great inspirational speech. I just don't understand how Coach TonyD'Amato (Pacino) talking about his personal life and how much he has lost in it is so inspiring for the Sharks. Thanks, coach? Just let Willie Beamen go out there, change the plays, and lead them to the Pantheon Cup.

8. Invincible
Two Words: Vince Papale.
Two More Words: Mark Wahlberg.
Three More Words: Pre The Happening.

7. Everybody's All American
I am going to be honest with you. I have never seen/nor heard about this movie. But I'm sure its decent.

6. Remember The Titans
A movie that's nearly perfect. I say nearly because it's a Disney movie. However, it was also the coming out party for a young Hayden Panetierre. Little did we know back then that Coach Yoast's daughter would grow up to become so YOWZA!

5. The Longest Yard
A football movie that takes place in prison. However, there are no cameos by Rae Carruth, Tank Johnson, Jamal Lewis, Michael Vick, or Plaxico Burress. This movie is a favorite of Donte Stallworth as he watches it all the time from his house... laughing through the whole movie.

4. North Dallas Forty
I know nothing about this movie. Mainly because it came out 7 years before I cam out of the womb. But it must be good!

3. We Are Marshall
Things you DON'T do on a plane: Smoke, keep electronics on during take off, act suspicious while wearing a turban, sit comfortably, say the word "bomb", get extra bags of peanuts, kick the seat in front of you, or...
...say: "WE ARE...MARSHALL!" while going through turbulence.
Trust me. I know from experience.

2. Friday Night Lights
Any movie that has a main character with the name of 'Boobie' is alright with me.

1. Brian's Song
The only movie where it's ok for guys to say they cried during. Brace yourself, it's a doozie!

So that is Blockbuster Blog's list of the greatest. However, we at Korked Bats feel like they missed some. Thus explaining the list that is following.

Korked Bats' Movies We Were Sad To See Didn't Make The Blockbuster List

10. GridIron Gang
I never saw this movie... But any movie with The Rock in it should be considered an automatic Acadamy Award Nominee. Especially Race to Witch Mountain.

9. Angels In The Endzone
I'm sad to say, that I actually have seen this movie. It was on ABC Family back in the day. But can you blame me? Matthew Lawrence was in it.

8. Air Bud: Golden Reciever
Wait a minute... That dog can catch semi-deflated footballs in his mouth?! Let's add him to the roster. He can play wide reciever! (Let's just hope they don't have to play Michael Vick this season.)

7. Possoms
My dad sent me this movie as a joke. He bought at Wal-Mart for $1. Needless to say, he overpaid. But it still should be considered for the list of greatest football movies of all time!

6. Two Days in April
This actually is an incredible documentary about 4 recently graduated football players who are entering the NFL Draft and are working to get drafted. It honestly is very very interesting.

5. Out of the Blue
This actually is my favorite documentary of all time. It follows the Boise State Broncos football team through their historic 2006-2007 when the Broncos shocked the world with a Fiesta Bowl upset over the Oklahoma Sooners. I actually included this documentary in it's entirety in a Friday Fun post a weeks back. Watch it!

4. The Replacements
"Wounds heal. Chicks dig scars. But GLORY lasts forever!"
Thanks, Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves). But that still doesn't make up for the fact that I lost a ton of money on that Sugar Bowl game.

3. Little Giants
Should be number one on the list for being the only football movie that reveals the secret of The Annexation of Puerto Rico.

2. Varsity Blues
The movie that opened all of our eyes to the fact that driving around in a stolen cop car naked with our friends is OK.

1. Rudy
If this movie doesn't make your forehead hurt from holding back the tears, then you need to rewind it and watch it again. Repeat until you almost cry.

Blockbuster and Korked Bats want to hear back from you. Comment on this post and give us which football movie is your favorite of all time? Did we miss any? If so, let us know which ones. Give us some feedback on this one!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Who Not to Start - Fantasy Week 3

Who Not To Start - Week 3:

Anyone in the Cleveland Brown's Secondary

This week I highly recommend that you DO NOT start any member of the Cleveland Browns' secondary. I know anyone with half a brain hasn't started any Browns player since legendary quarterback, Tim Couch, left the team, however they've hit an all time low in team chemistry recently. As if giving up 61 points in their first 2 games wasn't a good enough indication of their horribleness, a recent fight that included 4 members of the secondary should be enough of a red flag to not start any of them at all costs.

And listen how awkwardly it all went down...

After a spirited practice, the Cleveland Browns were still in a playful mood so they decided to pull a prank on one of their rookies.

Coye Francies didn't care for the joke.

The first-year cornerback, incensed over being soaked with water by some of his teammates, threw a bucket of ice and at least one errant punch during a skirmish in the Browns' locker room Friday.

As the Browns returned from practice, a dripping-wet Francies stormed into the locker room lugging a Gatorade bucket full of ice. Before he could be stopped, Francies tossed the ice on cornerback Brandon McDonald, hitting him with cubes that covered the floor.

At that point, it wasn't clear if Francies was playing along and messing with McDonald.

Then, Francies' mood, and the vibe in the room, turned more serious.

Francies flung some more ice in the direction of safety Mike Adams before heading toward safety Abram Elam's corner cubicle. With the bucket on the floor, Francies then swung his arms at Elam, who deflected the blows. Pro Bowl nose tackle Shaun Rogers then stepped in, grabbed Francies by the back of the shirt and escorted him out a side door as other players came to help.

"Calm down, man," Rogers told Francies as he pushed him outside.

That's got to be embarrassing for everyone involved. I know exactly how this feels. It reminds me of a time in 8th grade on a school trip to Washington D.C. when I woke up to find that fellow Korked Bats writer, Austin Huff, had drawn all over my face. I almost pulled a Coye Francies. I didn't say a word but Austin still tells me to this day I made the scariest face I've ever made as I proceeded to jump on top of him and hold his arms down and pondered punching him. I then realized I was being ridiculous so I just kind of looked at him awkwardly. I don't recommend the course of action I took.

Now, I don't know if unnecessary overreaction of harmless pranks leads to poor fantasy performance the following game, but it certainly can't help.

Plus, it's the Browns man, seriously.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Burrested and Put Behind Bars

On Wednesday I stubbed my big toe.

It sucked.

But it didn't suck as bad as starting a two year prison sentence.

Am I right, Plaxico?

But don't worry Plax, no need to cry in interviews with Jeremy Schapp.

We here at Korked Bats will provide you with a list of things you will miss in the next 2 years while you are confined in the slammer. Or excuse me, the slamma'.

Trust me, after reading this list, two years from now it will be like you never left us. And by us I mean civilian life.

Things Plaxico Burress Will Miss
While In Jail For The Next Two Years

  • The 2010 Winter Olympic Games
  • Lady Gaga's Second Album
  • Two seasons of the WNBA
  • The next two Script's National Spelling Bee
  • Miley Cyrus becoming legal
  • His son, Elijah's 4th and 5th birthdays
  • The birth of his daughter
  • Donte Stallworth spending time in jail with him
  • The release of the movie 2012
  • The U.S. Census
  • He's not going to be able to vote for Congress
  • Danny Ocean, when he gets released early for good behavior (but he will be back soon after knocking over The Bellagio, The Mirage, and The MGM Grand)
  • Me, graduating from college (hopefully)
  • The 25th Anniversary of the release of Back To The Future.
  • According to a scenario in the original SimCity computer game, there will be a nuclear meltdown in Boston. (You have until 2015 to complete the scenario.)
  • Women
  • The Cricket World Cup in April 2011
  • The final season of LOST
  • Not Collecting $200 on his way there
  • The Dodgers' back to back World Series Titles (I hope)
  • The release of Step-Up 3-D. (It's about time they come out with a 3-D dance movie. Keep your fingers crossed that Channing Tatum returns to the series)
  • Maurice Clarrett's 26th and 27th Birthday
  • Our Korked Bats Radio Show's every Saturday from 12pm to 2pm on (Shameless Plug)

Choose your one phone call wisely, Mr. Burress.

Of course, being in jail for two years isn't all that bad. There are many things that Plax will get to be a part of while in the big house.

Things Plaxico Burress Won't Miss
While In Jail For The Next Two Years

  • Andy Dufresne writing the government everyday to recieve funding for new books for the prison library.
  • Showering with dudes (only instead of showering with fellow teammates, he'll be showering with fellow inmates)
  • Ernest
  • Playing Football (Because he will be invited to play for Paul Crewe's team of prisoners when they play the guards)
  • Seeing Johnny Cash in concert
  • Prison Rodents (Fellow inmate John Coffey keeps resurrecting all of them)
  • Getting raped

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Flu-rida Gators

Who are two of the biggest media hogs (pun not intended) this country has seen in the past 9 months?

Tim Tebow and Swine Flu.

What happens when you mix them together?

Tim Tebow with Swine Flu.

Ok, Tim Tebow doesn't have swine flu.

He cured it!

No, we're kidding again. He didn't cure swine flu.

He cured CANCER!

We're serious about that second one. However, according to a recent report, the swine flu pandemic has spread to the University of Florida campus. Gee, thanks for the update Mothership. What is this the Health Channel? Urban Meyer is now scared it is going to spread to his football team. Three players already had the flu for the game this past weekend.

The game that could quite possibly be one of the worst wins for Florida football in recent years.

You know, this was the game that the Gators were favored by 30 points. The game that Urban Meyer was supposed to run up the score on Lane Kiffin for all the controversy he started in the off season.

Well he sure ran up the score. Ran it all the way up to 23! He really shut up Kiffin. Really stuck it to the man.

Well... Until Lane's hilarious comeback yesterday.

When asked if he was worried about the flu affecting Tennessee this year, Kiffin replied:
"I don't know. I guess we'll wait and after we're not excited about a performance, we'll tell you everybody was sick."

Hilarious. Maybe Kiffin should give up coaching college (or any level) football (because right now, well, it's not really working for him) and give Wilmer Valderrama a call and see if he can get a shot on a new season of Yo Momma on MTV!

When Lane Kiffin's wife was asked about her husband's debut against an SEC opponent, she responded by saying...

...Who cares? She's hot!

Of course, if Urban Meyer thinks that the swine flu was a problem this past week against Tennessee, just think of how sick Arkansas is going to make them! (insert "sitcom live studio audience laughter" here)

Goodnight folks! See ya next week!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Milton Bradley: Game Over!

Milton Bradley is suspended the rest of the season.

So what else is new?

That's like saying Pacman was found in another strip club, Tim Tebow has gone on another mission trip, or Mark May had to wipe off his glasses after getting in a heated debate with Lou Holtz.

Some things just don't need reported.

What did he get suspended for THIS time?

Well... He DIDN'T get suspended for dumping a bag of balls onto the field of play, tearing an ACL while confronting an umpire, throwing a bottle at a fan, rampaging through the press box in search of a commentator who said some "unfair" things about him, or throwing the game ball into the stands with only two outs.

Milton was suspended by general manager Jim Hendry for "issues he could no longer tolerate."

These issues being negative comments that Bradley made about the Chicago Cubs organization.

Basically, comments that every player who has ever played for the Cubbies has wanted to say but hasn't because they didn't want to be suspended and/or hated by those harsh Chi-town fans.

Bradley said:
"You understand why they haven't won in 100 years here."
"It's just not a positive environment. I need a stable, healthy, enjoyable environment. ... It's just negativity."
Wow. True. But wow. He actually said it. He said what everyone has been thinking. I mean any team who finds things outside of baseball for reasons of why they haven't won the World Series in 101+ years definitely has some negativity swirling around their organization.

Let's blame Bartman! He acted the way any other fan in the seats would have by reaching for a foul ball to take home as a souvenir, but since he interfered with Moises Alou who probably wouldn't have made the catch anyway, we will blame it on him!

We won't blame it on the Cubs and the 8 runs the Cubs gave up that inning. Not the fact that Alex Gonzalez had an error on a potential inning ending double play ball. And we won't even consider blaming the fact that the Cubs had an entire Game 7 to win and make it to the World Series. (That's one thing Cubs fans and Cardinals fans have in common... They fail to have an argument as to why they lost that 7th game. Apparently the whole series rested on the final outs, plural, of their respective Game 6's of the series.) But yeah, let's blame it on Bartman.

Or that stupid goat.

However, Milton Bradley, you are being thanked from all over Cub nation by guys like:
Luis Salazar
Mike Harkey
Dwight Smith
Scott Sanderson
Ryne Sandberg
Mark Grace
Chet "The Rocket" Stedman
and thousands of others who were cursed to play with that franchise for so long.

But good move, Cubs. Bradley was only hitting .257 with 12 homers and 40 RBIs. An absolute dismal season.

Although Milton Bradley should have been suspended a long time ago for inventing the game Trivial Pursuit. That game makes me feel so stupid. More stupid than the time I locked my keys out of the car.

Cubs fans had to learn the hard way that having Milton Bradley on your team is a lot like having Barack Obama in office.

You like the idea of it more than you actually like it.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Korked Bats Look Alikes - NFL of the Rings

NFL Quarterbacks Mark Sanchez and Matthew Stafford and Lord of the Rings Hobbits Frodo and Sam

Does anyone else see it?!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Who Not to Start - Fantasy Week 2

Who Not To Start - Week 2:

Barney Gorman

This week I highly recommend that you DO NOT start Barney Gorman (side note: I hear he goes by Tony Danza now). I know what you're thinking. "But he's the Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon!" Oh how the mighty have fallen. I haven't done the research, because I am a sane human being despite what I may come across as, but I'm pretty sure he hasn't seen a snap since the Eagles signed David Akers in 1999. It's a true shame for a guy who went from rags to riches after developing an abnormally strong leg after years of kicking the broken hydraulic lever on his...ah, who am I kidding? I'm giving you a plot summary as if you haven't seen the movie. It's like FernGully, everyone and their mother has seen it. Most of us multiple times.

I am so certain that Gorman won't get you points this week that I chose him over this guy:

Now that's saying something (9 picks in 2 games, wow). But, after countless hours of analyzing team rosters, injuries, match ups, and past fantasy performances, I felt that the injury to Donovan McNabb and lack of playing time over the last decade qualifies Barney Gorman as a poor fantasy start this week.

Also, if you are in the closing weeks of your Fantasy Baseball League, don't start Mel Clark. I heard from a very reliable inside source that he doesn't have much left and is actually going to die six months after the end of the season from lung cancer.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The List of 104 (71 to 80)

Korked Bats is the only media outlet on the planet that has obtained the "List of 104 Names in Major League Baseball Who Have Tested Positive For Steroids" in its entirety.

Fortunate enough for you, our readers, we are delivering you that list ten names at a time. Because everyone is tired of waiting for this list to be made public.

Your welcome.

So without further hesitation, we bring you the 71st to 80th name on The List of 104:

Previous Names Released:
The List - 91 to 104
The List - 81 to 90

The List of 104: 71 to 80

80. Ichiro
Don't let this skinny Asian guy fool you... He is definitely 'roiding. He averages over 9 home runs a season! Plus, he's not American.

79. Mark Lemke
Lemke played 11 Major League seasons. In those seasons he played in 64 post season games and in 4 World Series. Lemke was never known for his offensive statistics, but that was all part of his act. He did just enough to help the Braves out through the 90s. Finally, the truth is revealed.

78. The Grey Gorillas from Congo
When Michael Crichton wrote this book, I'm not sure that even he knew the gorillas were grey because of a steroid side effect.

77. Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez
He's the only person in history to rip the cover off the ball with one swing of the bat. You mean to tell me he did that without a little juice? I mean the kid was twelve years old. Not to mention he went on to play for the Dodgers. We all know about previous steroid accusations for Hispanic players who played for the Dodgers.

76. Pete Rose
You think gambling was the worst of this guy's problems? That was only to cover up the fact that he used PEDs. Oh well, this guy isn't going to see the Hall of Fame in his lifetime. Not to mention, look at this guy's BODY!

75. Ozzie Smith
How else does a Major League Baseball player know how to flip on a ball field? For any non-gymnast, you gotta get a little help from some HGH... Human Gymnast Hormone.

74. Carl Edwards
How else does a NASCAR driver know how to flip off his car? For any non-gymnast, you gotta get a little help from some HGH... Human Gymnast Hormone.

73. Andy Samburg
Andy is by far the BEST SNLer since Ferrell. You can't tell me he did it legally. Obvious juicer.

72. Moises Alou
Remember October 14th, 2003? It was Game 6 of the NLCS. Moises Alou chased a foul ball and attempted to make a catch in the stands before a fan went for it and ruined any chance that Alou had to make a catch. However, that is all besides the point. Has anyone even cared to notice how high Alou jumped off the ground? He jumped like two feet into the air! Two feet?! That's like more than an 18 inch vertical! STEROIDS!

71. Steve Bartman
Bartman was that fan. That fan who RIPPED the ball out Moises Alou's grip! That takes strength. Strength that can only come from Performance Enhancing Drugs. Someone pull those headphones off of Steve and inform him that he is on The List of 104.

To be continued with
#61 to #70 next...