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Saturday, October 31, 2009

Who Not to Start - Fantasy Week 8

Who Not To Start - Week 8:
Larry Johnson

I’m going have to go ahead and say choosing the subject of this week’s Who Not To Start was the easiest decision I’ve made in quite a while. Well, maybe not as easy as my decision not to join Jeff in his beard growing experiment. Poor guy.

Anyway, as most of us know by now, except maybe these guys, Larry Johnson had a week to forget this past week. After publicly bashing his coach on Twitter, he took it to a whole new level and bashed one of our own.

In an attempt to kick him while he’s down, I officially name Larry Johnson this week’s Korked Bats' Who Not To Start recipient.

No one calls my man Jared gay and gets away with it.

When I first heard about the comments I was very surprised and questioned his motive. After thinking about it a while I came to the conclusion that maybe Larry Johnson was the gay one and was taking out his insecurity on an undeserving Korked Bats writer.

Then the following picture was presented to me (Trust me, its real. No Photoshopping was involved.):


I’m going to be honest. I didn’t get the Christopher Street reference Larry made in his tweet to Jared. I think the reason is that I’m not gay. But by the looks of the picture above, LJ knows the area quite well and will probably be spending some time there now that he’s suspended from the NFL.

If you are yet to be convinced, here are some other reasons why I think Larry Johnson is a gaybird:

  • Seriously, just look at the picture at the top of this post.
  • He wears diapers
  • He hates women. He has been arrested 4 times since 2003 for various assault charges on women. (Including waving a gun, pushing a woman to the ground, pushing a woman's head, and spitting in a woman’s face) If you’re going to be gay that’s fine. You just don’t have to be so anti-woman. Just ask this guy.
  • He wears purple bandanas around his neck and points at people. Look:


All these reasons, coupled with the fact that he’s not even playing (even if he was, his 2.7 yards per carry and zero touchdowns this season didn’t exactly qualify him as a fantasy stud to begin with) should be enough for you to not only not play him this week, but cut him from your team immediately.

And Larry, if you somehow read this and it offends you, you probably shouldn’t tweet about me. Roger Goodell won’t be happy with you.

Friday, October 30, 2009

The Huffington Roast - October 30, 2009

Remember my Huff n' Fluff post at the end of last month? Well, this is that same post only with, in the homophobic slurs of Larry Johnson, a less "fag" name.

The Huffington Roast.

I must give credit to my good pal, Clint Alwahab, for brainstorming with me to come up with this name. If you haven't done so already, please check out his blog: Tom Selleck's Mustachioed Adventures. There is some real funny stuff there.

Anyway, there has been lots of sports news this past week, which means (for me) lots of jokes. So let's quit wasting time and get to it...

This is The Huffington Roast: Halloween Eve Edition.

• • •

Many of you have heard about Larry Johnson's troubles by now. He Tweeted negative comments about his coach last week and made homophobic slurs toward a fan. A fan by the name of Jared Launius. Yup, the same Jared Launius who writes for this blog.

Jared is now the second Korked Bats writer who has been Tweeted by a celebrity (that sounds dirty).

I don't know if any of you remember, but yours truly was tweeted by a much hotter celebrity than Larry Johnson. (Not like hotter in the world of pop culture, just better looking.)

Of course that is up for debate if you were to ask Jared. That Christopher Street Boy would probably say that Larry Johnson is hotter.

• • •

Speaking of breaking knee caps...

Just when Clippers fans had something to be excited about...

Their number one draft pick goes out and breaks his kneecaps the day before the season starts.

Somewhere Rob Schneider is saying:

• • •

Speaking of people not being able to play with their team...

On Tuesday the Phillies made a few roster changes before the start of the World Series. One of the moves they made was picking up pitcher Brett Myers.

However, we all know that when you pick someone up, you must drop someone else.

That lucky person was infielder Miguel Cairo.

What a shame, looks like Miguel will be watching the series in the comfort of his own home like the rest of us.

But cheer up Miguel, I hear those World Series rings are big, gaudy, and heavy. You don't want one of those weighing you down in the off season.

• • •

Speaking of the Fall Classic...

Am I the only non-Yankees fan who wants the Yankees to win it all? I like Derek Jeter, I would like to see the Yankees win a title the first year in their new stadium, and I mean, c'mon, the pinstripes haven't won a title since 2000. Why are they still hated by everyone? They haven't been relevant in October since 2003.

I know they are the evil empire, but think about this...

Did Batman ever put the finishing move to kill the Joker while he was down?

No. Because if he did, then who would terrorize Gotham City? No one. And the whole Batman saga would be complete. And Batman would just be some rich guy who wears costumes everyday.

So go ahead Yanks, you have my permission to win only your second WS Title this decade.

You are Major League Baseball's Joker.

• • •

Speaking of people people who wear purple...

You coach football like a girl!

Last week on the team flight to Pittsburgh, Minnesota Vikings head coach, Brad Childress, dressed up like a female flight attendant. His purpose was to get a rise out of the players and staff to remind them that it was just a game and to have fun.

Well, Brad, looks like you did it all for nothing. The Vikings lost 27-17. Their first loss of the season.

Stick with what you know best... Which is not dressing up like female flight attendants.

• • •

Speaking of losers...

Andre Agassi admitted to using crystal meth in 1997.

Aggie, I must admit, I'm a little disappointed. Not really in the fact that you did drugs. Just your choice of drugs.

You play a country club sport. Crystal meth is a trailer park drug.

I am glad that you admitted it. But next time, just lie about which kind.

Maybe cocaine? Only the classiest get caught using cocaine.

Too soon?

• • •

Speaking of cocaine...

Bob Griese has been suspended from his broadcasting duties for this week's games after a comment he made on the air during the Ohio State v. Minnesota game.

His collegue, Chris Speilman, was talking about the top 5 leaderboard in the NASCAR Race for the Cup. (Which makes sense considering this was a college football game... in the north.) Speilman made a comment about how Juan Pablo Montoya wasn't even in the top 5.

That's when the genius chimed in, "He's out getting a taco."

First off, Juan Pablo Montoya is Colombian (hence the speaking of cocaine reference above), not Mexican.

Second, that was a very tasteless joke...

...unless he was referring to the Double Decker Taco from Taco Bell.

In that case, it was a very tasty joke.

• • •

Speaking of Mexicans and food...

New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez got in trouble this past week for sneaking (and eating) a hot dog on the sidelines during their game against the Oakland Raiders.

Most of Sanchez's teammates were mad at him because they weren't sure if it was a hot dog in his pocket or if he was just happy to see them.

• • •

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Random Athlete of the Month - October

The random athlete for the month of October is:


Fred McGriff

Quit drooling people. I know that’s tough when there’s a 1989 MVP edition of Fred McGriff’s Donruss baseball card signed by the Crime Dog himself distracting you above. As if it wasn’t already fly enough, just admire that aesthetically invigorating and explosive word art in the background. Can’t find that in Microsoft Word. Add in the near flawless mustache and I bet Beckett values that baby at $6.43 at least. OK, now I’m drooling.
• • •
Before we get started, I know a question on at least one of your minds is what ever happened to the Random Athlete of the Month post for September? My answer is simple. Shut up. I forgot to do one. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Just kidding, I love you.

Caster Semenya talks to press during the Team SA Press Conference.But yea, I did indeed forget. The last Random Athlete of the Month was of course Caster Semenya. You remember, the gross man-woman-thing that whose status as a female track athlete was being questioned. Well, turns out she is actually a woman AND a man. Yea, I don’t get it either. Another day, another story.

I’m getting carried away. Back to what’s relevant. Korked Bats is excited to name Frederick Stanley “Crime Dog” McGriff as October’s Random Athlete of the Month. We can all agree it takes a special man to share a nickname with one of the coolest d-o-double g’s in all the land (I’m gangster). This guy:
And Fred is no doubt a special man. As one of the most boring superstars of the 90s, McGriff put together quite the resume during his 19 seasons in the MLB (Yea I didn’t know he played that long either. In my book, Fred was, and always will be an Atlanta Brave along with Mark Lemke, Jeff Blauser, Mark Wohlers, and Ryan Klesko.) Here are some of his highlights:
  • 5x All-Star Selection
  • 1995 World Series Champ
  • 3x Silver Slugger Award winner
  • 1994 All-Star game MVP
  • And my favorite: Joins Gary Sheffield as the only players in history with 30 HRs in one season with 5 different teams.
Blah, blah, blah, enough about his baseball career. Most agree that Fred McGriff’s biggest claim to fame was his endorsement of Tom Emanski’s Baseball Training videos. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you are either too young, didn’t have cable growing up (cough, cough…Jeff the Titans Beard Guy…cough, cough), or don’t watch ESPN (in which case you are gay like Jared Launius). You know, the ones that claimed to to produce back-to-back-to-back AAU National Champions. The ones that were left on the air so long you wondered if you were watching TV Land every time they came on. These ones:
“I’m Fred McGriff. I’m wearing a ridiculous hat. One day I’m going to be the Athlete of the Month for Korked Bats. My shirt looks like the Wayne’s World logo. Buy this video.”

Note: I’m not certain the above quote is correct, but from what I remember, it is. You have no idea how difficult it is to find this commercial online. How ironic. This instructional video series haunted my childhood and now all that remains is this single screen shot.

So today lets all sit back and reflect on the exciting and dynamic career of my man Fred McGriff. And if you still need some McGriff in your life you’ll be happy to know his son, Erick, is a wide receiver for the Kansas Jayhawks football team.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Against-it Replay

Instant Replay, you are OUTTTA here!

A lot of people have asked me lately, "Austin, do you think they should bring instant replay to baseball."

I usually reply with, "Do I even know who you are?"

And they say, "Austin, I'm your dad."

And then I reply with, "Oh yeah, sorry."

Then I begin to tell him:

"Instant replay in baseball? I want to know who thinks this is a good idea? It sounds like some diabolical scheme of Wile E. Coyote.

This has been a hot topic lately. And yes, I know there have been plenty of blown calls in the playoffs thus far.

But you show me a time when there haven't been blown calls in baseball and I will show you the year 1743. (The year before the first reference to the sport of baseball.)

Blown calls are a part of the game. So much so that they even include the option on baseball video games now.

It's like the Trix Rabbit. We are looking for him to fail. Sure it would be great if he got a bowl of Trix, but it's fun knowing that no matter how hard he tries he eventually will fail.

Leave the Trix for the kids and the computer technology for the pedophiles.

(Not for the umpires.)

We have all been on both sides of 'the bad call'. I know each of us have all been in this situation:

We see our favorite batter come to the plate with the bases loaded and the game tied in the bottom of the ninth. He hits a soft two hopper to second. The second baseman fields it cleanly and takes his time to throw to first. Our favorite batter is truckin' down the line. The throw beats him by at least a step. He is clearly out.

But what do we do?

We still look to the umpire to see if there is any chance he will make the wrong call.

It's human error.

Human error was there in Game 6 of the 1985 World Series. It was there in Game 1 of the ALCS for Jeter's "Home Run". It was evident in 2007 during the NL-Wild Card Tie Breaker.

It's part of the game. It always has been. It always should be.

For those of you who say, "Well now we have the technology, we should utilize it."

Yeah, well we also have the technology to make two teams of robots. We could just watch them play a completely flawless game. Would that not be fun? (Just ask Cardinals fans, they LOVE watching a robot play baseball.)

Also, even with instant replay, there is still the factor of human error. Whether it be from blowing the call even WITH instant replay or having a camera man not getting a good enough shot to have replay be necessary.

I know this post season there have been a handful of horrific calls. I'm not arguing that at all. All I am saying is that this is nothing new.

No, instant replay does not belong in baseball anymore than it already is."

Then I take a breath only to realize that my dad left somewhere in the midst of my rant.

That's usually how that goes when someone asks me about instant replay in baseball.

Short Story, Short:

Leave the game how it is.

If you don't agree with me, than instant review this post until you do. The inconclusive evidence is there.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

2009-2010 NBA Preseason Awards

The NBA Regular Season kicks off tonight with the LA Lakers playing the North Mexico Clippers, a game where some of the biggest stars (Kobe, Pau, Bynum) will probably be driven to the game by some of their opponents, looking to make an extra buck or two as a chauffeur.

Since I haven't been here for a while, I thought I'd give you guys some insights into who is going to take down all of the major NBA Awards.

For a team by team preview, check out our other blog at, where we all post under pseudonym to avoid detection. So without further ado, your 2009-10 NBA Award Winners:

(Note: To make the voting more fair, I voted twenty-four times in my head and tabulated the votes, that way it wasn't a complete crapshoot).

6th Man of the Year
Rasheed Wallace - Celtics
Sheed is going to add depth and length to a team that, if they stay healthy, didn't need it. He is why, along with the Spurs, the Celtics had one of the best off-seasons. (Wallace 13 votes, Lamar Odom 5 votes, Manu Ginobili 5 votes, Marlon Wayans 1 vote)

Rookie of the Year
Blake Griffin - Clippers
Someone has to score for the Clippers. I'm going to say Blake Griffin. Even with missing the first six weeks of the season. Elton Brand will be quadruple teamed, leaving Griffin with a nice one-on-one option to post up some points. Which is worse? Starting your career with bad knees or starting your career with the Clippers? (Griffin 12 votes, Griffin's knee caps 6 votes, Thomas Ian Nicholas 4 votes, Tyreke Evans 2 votes, Greg Oden 1 vote)

Defensive Player of the Year
Dwight Howard - Orlando Magic
With Penny Hardaway at the point, this should take the pressure off Howard offensively, allowing him to open up his defensive game. Hopefully the other teams don't run down the court, or this might screw my pick. (Howard 18 votes, That Girl Who Cockblocked Me At the Bar Last Weekend 6 votes).

Most Valuable Player
Kobe Bryant - Los Angeles Lakers
I have Kobe winning Most Improved Player as well; I project something in the range of 49 points, 18 rebounds and 13 assists per game this year. Let's just say he's going to have consensual relations with the other teams, especially those from Colorado. (Kobe 11 votes, LeBron James 7 votes, Derrick Rose 4 votes, Bill Murray 2 votes)

Postseason in Short
Lakers over Celtics in 7 games in the finals. Ron Artest is NBA Finals MVP. I'm not even going to justify why.


Korked Bats Look Alikes - Blake Monchhichi

Los Angeles Clippers Power Forward Blake Griffin and Japanese Doll, Monchhichi

Does anyone else see it?!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Making Dollars Out Of Sense

I'm not very good at the whole 'blogging' thing.

Those of you who are regular visitors to this site are fully aware of that. I haven't posted a real piece on here since August. But that doesn't even tell half of the story. The drafts section on our blog is littered with posts that I started but never finished.

My reasoning for that is the fact that the importance of 'immediacy' in new media is kind of counter-productive, in my opinion.

A good story is supposed to be able to evolve. It's supposed to work it's way into your brain and take form as more details, thoughts and perspectives help it grow.

I realize that I seem to be about 30 years too young to think this, but that's OK. I recognize the importance of immediacy. I even appreciate it when it's well done. Hell, there are few things I love more than an incredibly timely Joe Posnanski blog post.

The problem is that I'm not the best at letting my thoughts reach that point of clarity and moving forward- no matter what else may come to mind.

That has never been more true than in the last 17 hours. Around midnight last night, I started this post. It was a reaction post to the whole Larry Johnson, uh, thing. The initial 500 or so words were just a straight rip on LJ. I was going to tell the story of what happened while throwing in my own snarky comments. I called it "Making a Johnson of Himself." Get it?

When I woke up this morning, I wanted to take the post in a different direction. Now it was more about things from his agent's perspective- namely, how much the guy must currently be hating his life for having to deal with his client spouting insults about his coach and homophobic comments to fans all in one night. It was going to be awesome. I already had the links to Entourage and Jerry Maguire ready.

Mid-afternoon found me completely fearful for my life. I mean, he is connected with Team Roc after all. What if Jay and the boys came after me?

I'm at a place, though, where I just need to get this stuff off of my chest. I have things to do tonight and the rest of the week, and right now all I can think about is the fact that something called 'Mashable' just mentioned me by name multiple times.

So I'm at a point now where my thoughts on the whole- well fiasco might not be the right word- issue need to be off of my chest. I should probably just invest in a journal.

But I really do feel like there is a lesson to be learned here.

I just mentioned the 'Mashable' thing referencing me by name multiple times. In the article, they say that "Clearly, both parties were out of line."

After the article was brought to my attention, I had the immediate urge to tweet a link to the story and call them out. How egregious of them! How was I out of line? He's the public figure. I'm the private one. I tweeted things that had some sort of substance and basis of fact. He spurted out socioeconomic and homophobic slurs at me based on my picture. Right?

The fact of the matter, though, is that the lines between 'public' and 'private' figures is blurring. Sure, millions of people know the name Larry Johnson. And certainly, the number of people that know Jared Launius could be counted on a relatively small abacus.

But that doesn't mean that the billions of people with Internet access worldwide can't see my tweets.

That doesn't mean that someone with an iPhone in China couldn't come to this website and read this post.

That's what the whole #jaredversuslj Twitter blow up represents to me. Sure, Twitter has some great aspects. A fans' exposure to their favorite athlete or actor is as close as it's going to get in, well, ever. Gone are the days of fan mail. Now, if Shaq wants to give fans tickets to a Cavaliers game, he just goes somewhere in Cleveland, tweets his location, and waits for the hordes.

Some would view that as a good thing, and on a lot of levels it truly is. But it also makes filtering people that already struggle with their filters even more difficult.

It also, you could argue, makes anyone with a blog, webpage, IM, etc. a public figure. By having an open Twitter page, I make my name just as out there and accessible as Larry Johnson's. My name certainly isn't brought up as much, but anyone wanting to know my thoughts on Mizzou's offensive line or the Balloon Boy would have zero problems accessing them.

In less than a year, I'll be working at one of the many media production outlets within the University of Missouri School of Journalism (via my junior-year reporting classes). In five years, I'll (hopefully) be on payroll for a real production company. But does my accessibility level or public status change any between now and then?

I'm not sure.

So then, how do we now define public and private figures? That brings me back to the Mashable post. Sure I could go after them, just like I went after LJ, LJ went after me, and Mashable went after both of us.

The fact of the matter, though, is that now we're all public figures.

If you don't believe me, try calling out an athlete, eliciting a response, and watching that story grow.

Read about the whole "Larry Johnson, Uh, Thing" here.

The Titan Experiment

Welp, the Titans had their bye week this week. There are a couple positive things Titans fans can take away from not having to play a game this week.

  • Although it is the 7th week of the NFL season and the Titans still don't have a win this week was the first week that the Titans didn't lose. (Even though they were underdogs) So congrats!
  • The Titans had more passing yards during their Bye Week than they did last week against the New England Patriots.
  • Since there was no Titans game this week, Titans fans were able to watch NFL football for the first time all season.
  • And finally, avid Korked Bats reader and loyal Titans fan, Jeff, continues to grow his losing beard.
For those of you who don't know, Jeff is not shaving his beard until the Titans win their first game of the season. He contacted KB with this deal when the Titans fell to 0-3. I think it's safe to say that he did not realize it would last this long.

But it has.

What isn't fun for Titans fans or for Jeff is indeed fun for the rest of Korked Bats Nation. (And those who get to see Jeff on a regular basis that don't care for the outcome of the Titans season.)

Without further adieu, let's check out that Abe Lincoln!

Below is Jeff with no beard.

Below is Jeff after the Titans fell 0-4.

Below is Jeff after the Titans fell 0-5.

Below is Jeff after the Titans fell to 0-6.

And finally, Jeff after the Titans Bye Week at 0-6.

I don't know who is going through a worse time right now. The 0-6 Titans or Red Bearded Jeff?

Next week the Tennessee Titans are home against the Jacksonville Jaguars, a team who has beaten them once already this season.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

"Damn Alligator Bit My Hand (/Arm) Off!"

Who says what happens on the big screen can't happen in real life?

This article comes from courtesy of the Associated Press:

BEAUFORT, S.C. -- Officials say an alligator bit off part of a golfer's arm as he leaned over to pick up his ball at a private South Carolina course.

The man, who is in his 70s, was retrieving his ball from a pond when the 10-foot alligator bit him at Ocean Creek Golf Course in Beaufort County. The gator pulled the golfer into the pond and ripped off his arm in the struggle. His golf partners were able to free him.

Wildlife workers killed the alligator and retrieved the arm in the hopes it might be reattached.

The man has not been identified. He was being treated at the Medical University of South Carolina, but officials there would not release any information about him.

A call to the golf course was not immediately returned.

Copyright 2009 by The Associated Press

However, this story is leaving out a lot of details. This is how the story should have been written:

BEAUFORT, S.C. -- Officials say an alligator bit off part of a black golfer's hand as he leaned over to pick up his ball at a private tournament down in Florida.

The man, who in 1965, hooked his ball in the rough down by the lake when, out of nowhere, the damn 10-foot alligator popped up and cut him down on his prime. The gator pulled the golfer into the pond and ripped off his hand in the struggle. His golf partners were able to free him. Then the man dove back into the lake to tear one of that bastard's eyes out.

Wildlife workers killed the alligator and retrieved the hand. Unfortunately, the hand will not be able to reattached. The man will now have a wooden prosthetic hand, real sturdy.

The man has been identified as "The Next Arnold Palmer". He was being treated at the Silver Acres Rest Home, but officials there would not release any information about him. When we asked if we could trouble them for some information, they said we could trouble them for a warm glass of shut the hell up.

We later received word that the man died shortly after putt-putt by falling out of a window.

In all seriousness, this is a very serious subject and we hope that this man can get his arm reattached, fully recover and that he does as best as possible.

Everybody loves a good Happy Gilmore reference!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Friday Fan

• It's Friday! The Day of the FAN! •

Well, it's Friday. And it's college football season. Which means only one thing. Friday Fan! Over the past few weeks we have stayed in the SEC making fun of fans from various schools. Well, today we branch out of the southeast and head to Big XII country.

Our video today comes from Oklahoma Sooners fans.

When watching this video, only three words come to mind:

Oh. My. Gosh.

Like we have hinted at before, what was going through these guys' heads when they thought, "This will be a good idea." I mean honestly. Nothing about this video is cute or funny. Sooners fans may want to throw up the Hook 'Em Horns now. Not because they beat you four out of the last five years, but because these idiots decided to make a parody of Beyonce's All The Single Ladies with horribly written lyrics and seizure-like choreography. Honestly, Helen Keller could have put on a better production than this.

And does anyone else feel like the main voice from this video sound like the voice of Bozo the Clown and Brian from Family Guy's illegitamate child?

I don't know what Sooner fans should be more embarrassed about? Their 3-3 record or this video.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What Have You Done By 23?

Today is my birthday.

You're reading this while thinking to yourself, "Whoop-dee-doo!"

It's funny because I'm thinking that same thing!

Twenty three years ago today, I came out of my mother.

Hard to imagine.

Well, not really hard to... Just something I don't really want to.

Anyway... Today is my birthday.

Most people get really excited on their birthdays. They think back on their lives to dwell on all of the things they have accomplished and how they have lived to see another year.

Well, not this guy. Nope.

In fact, I am depressed.

I'd like to think I have accomplished a lot by the age of twenty three, but the truth is, I haven't.

I am 23 years old. Still in college. Never left the United States. Been driving the same car since 16. No girlfriend. No money. Been driving the same car that my sister got when she was 16 (in 2000). Haven't grown an inch since eighth grade. Haven't read a book in its entirety since eighth grade. No job. Still in college.

I could keep going.

But I'm not going to for the sake of this post.

Because the point of this post is to point out how much I HAVEN'T accomplished in my twenty three years on this planet. Granted, I know I shouldn't compare myself to others because everyone is different, but these guys just have done so much more than me by their 23rd birthdays.

Lebron James
What hasn't this guy done before his 23rd birthday? 3 time Mr. Basketball in Ohio, NBA Rookie of the Year, 3 time NBA All Star, signed a $90 million show contract with NIKE, was elected President but declined, won 4 Academy Awards and climbed Mt. Everest.

Ben Roethlisberger
Big Ben went 14-1 his rookie season (including playoffs). He brought the Pittsburgh Steelers to the AFC Championship and won Offensive Rookie of the Year. What did he do for an encore? Only brought the Steelers to Super Bowl XL and won. Oh, no big deal. He only won a Super Bowl before the age of 23.

Michael Phelps
Luckily for me, he was already 23 when he won 8 gold medals in 8 tries last summer at the 2008 Summer Olympic Games. However, in 2004 at the ripe age of 19 the kid won 6 gold medals and 2 bronze medals. Seriously, Mike?
2 bronze?
What a let down.

Usain Bolt
The man won 3 Olympic gold medals for track in Beijing last summer. He has set and broken his own records to be named "The Fastest Man On The Planet". And he just turned 23 in August. I have the nickname, "The Fastest Typer On This Blog"

Tiger Woods
Tiger signed a $40 million deal with NIKE, a $20 million deal with Titleist. I signed a receipt at Chipotle the other day for $6.80. Only I was paying the $6.80, not recieving it. Woods was also named the 1996 Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year (Who has ever heard of Sports Illustrated anyway?) and he was named the PGA Tour Rookie of the Year. Oh, and one more thing. The 21 year old Tiger Woods won the Masters by 12 strokes with a score of 18 under par.

Tim Tebow
He is currently still 22. So everything he has done and IS DOING now constitutes for things he has accomplished before 23. Screw you, Tebow.

Michael Jordan
The greatest basketball player of all time accomplished a lot by 23 (The number in which he made famous). In 1982, at the age of 19, he won ACC Freshman of the Year and hit the game winning shot in the 1982 National Championship game against Georgetown. I did that once too... (on NCAA March Madness 2005) He went on to win the Naismith and Wooden Player of the Year Awards in 1984, the same here he entered the NBA Draft. He was voted as an All-Star and won Rookie of the Year. His next season was cut short due to an injury. Well, suck it Jordan, I broke my nose!
Too bad Jordan never amounted to anything after that.

Alright, well you guys get the point. I can't continue to depress myself with how little I have accomplished in 23 years. I hope you guys have a Happy My Birthday! I am going to leave you with this video of fellow Korked Bat author, Frank, bursting my balloons (literally) on my birthday in 2004, our senior years in high school. Notice how Frank just totally interrupts me while I am flirting with my soon to be girlfriend at the time. Needless to say, Frank has a knack for interrupting me when I am, for lack of a better term, spitting game. Oh, and on top of all that, Frank popped my birthday balloons. Thanks Frank?

Birthday Video Montage

In honor of National Austin Huff Day I have decided to spend the past 30 minutes on Windows Movie Maker putting together all 8 videos I could find on my computer featuring the man, the myth, the legend, THE AUSTIN HUFF. These are all from our high school days. I wish I could do more for my man but unfortunately I have an exam in the morning and must study the afternoon/night away here. Anyway, I love you Austin and you wont offend me if you go ahead and chalk this one up as the worst birthday gifts ever. It's so bad there's even a typo on the first slide saying "Top 9" instead of 8. But here it is. Enjoy!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Korked Bats Look Alikes - Jon Roloff

University of Kentucky guard Jon Hood and Zach Roloff from the T.V. series Little People, Big World

Does anyone else see it?!

(Special thanks to Aaron Waters)

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Titan Experiment

As many of you know by now, we are in our third week of our little experiment.

Our loyal reader, Jeff, has vowed to not cut hid beard until the Tennessee Titans win their first game of the season.

Yesterday, Jeff was on the edge of his seat in the closing minutes of the fourth quarter as the Titans just barely missed their first win of the 2009 season by losing to the New England Patriots, 59-0.

It was a close game...

...until it started.

The Titans are now one of 3 winless teams this season. They should really think about changing their schedule to play the Redskins, as Washington is 0-3 against winless teams this season.

However, enough babbling about an awful NFL team. Let's get to the pictures of Jeff giving us his best Hagrid impression!

Below is Jeff with no beard.

Below is Jeff after the Titans fell 0-4.

Below is Jeff after the Titans fell 0-5.

And finally, below is Jeff after the Titans fell to 0-6.

Thicker and thicker it goes.

Bad news for Jeff is that the Titans now go into their Bye Week (which they will still probably lose). This meaning the beard must stay for at least two more weeks.

Then the Titans have Jacksonville, a team they have already lost to this season, at home.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Who Not to Start - Fantasy Week 6

Who Not To Start - Week 6:

Owen Schmitt

Owen Schmitt, arguably the best fullback in the NFL since Lorenzo Neal, is a guy that should kept out of any and all fantasy starting lineups this week. (I have no idea who is arguing that but I really just wanted to give a shout out to my man Lorenzo, forever a Titan in my book. But the guy has got to be good. I mean, dadgum, HE WAS ON THE COVER OF THE PSP VERSION OF NCAA FOOTBALL 09!)

Don't believe me? See for yourself:

Gah, and I thought putting this guy on the cover was random.

You may be wondering at this point why I'd be telling you not to start Ole Schmitty. Well, this should answer your question:

Wow, that couldn't be more unnecessary. What a moron. On a positive note, at least he found a way to bypass purchasing one of these Scream masks for Halloween with user controlled blood gushing:

This isn't something new for Owen either. This idiot has had a desire to break his skull for quite some time. In his defense, I'd probably want to break my skull too if I did something like this:

So please, fullback abilities aside, promise me you won't start Owen as your punter this week. That'd be about as smart as bashing your head in with the top half of a football helmet.